How I Got Closer to GodChikamu

IT STARTED OUT BAD

On New Year’s Day, 1997, my husband, Brent, went to bed before me. We’d been up late the night before at a New Year’s Eve party at the church we pastored, and while I’d had time for a nap during that day, he had not.

At about 8:30 p.m. he gave me a quick kiss, and said, “‘Night! I love you.” I smiled and said, “I love you back.” And he headed off to bed.

That was last time I saw him alive.

When I got to the bedroom a couple hours later, he wasn’t breathing. I called 911 and the paramedics came, but he was never revived. He hadn’t been sick or anything—he just went to bed and went to heaven, at 37 years of age. 

As you can imagine, that event rocked my world. Our sons were 12 and 13 years old, and the three of us were plunged into a season of grief and bewilderment. As for me, I had to take over parenting teenage sons, pastoring our four-and-a-half-year-old church, and getting over the sudden death of my husband.

That was over 20 years ago now, and looking back I can see that, while it was the worst time of my life, you could say it was also the best time of my life. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because I pressed into God like never before and He met me in a profound and life-changing way. He was a very present help, drawing near to me every time I drew near to Him. It’s really the time I fell in love with Him.

At the time, people said to me, “You’re being so brave, staying with God through all this. If it were me, I might be mad at Him!” But I knew that it was no time to get mad at God and walk away from Him—not when I needed Him most! I needed all the help I could get and I knew God was the answer.

So I pressed into Him like never before. I spent hours reading my Bible. I would run my finger down the page like a five-year-old learning how to read. I absorbed it. I was desperate for His peace, His comfort, His guidance. I had to have it and I knew His Word was the place to find it.