Never Say No: Raising Big Picture KidsChikamu

Never Say No

Where do two-year-olds learn the defiant no? Behavioral science insists toddlers are individuating themselves as they move through an important developmental stage. That said, an added reason is possible: they learn this word from us. As parents frequently use the word in those early years, the child realizes its power. They can hardly wait to use that word—no!

But sadly, adults may never stop using the word. We might say no to playing tag or to the request to build a fort or read a story (that we have read many times). We may soften the no with “Not now,” but children quickly learn that next time may never come and, like I did, quit asking.

Of course, children can make unhealthy demands or cry for attention to test us. This is a “mistaken goal,” according to Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, because the child insists on being the center of attention. But often such insecurity arises from an absence of focused time with the parent. We must leave margins for play in our efficient lives.

Be available to accept your child’s invitations. Jan and I still live by this motto: Never say no. When our sons or grandchildren ask us to climb a tree, build a sand castle, go for breakfast, or paddle into dark, frigid, windblown waves, the answer is always yes. God is one big “yes” for us, and we want to pay it forward to our own kids.