The Spiritual Fitness ManualChikamu

Marriage, Emotionally Shutting Down - Part 3

By George Faller, LMFT, Lieutenant, FDNY (RET) 

 “The most amazing fact about Jesus, unlike any other religious founder, is that He found God in disorder and imperfection—and told us that we must do the same or we would never be content on this earth” -Richard Rohr

It is clear that work and marriage operate under different rules. Marriage isn’t about winning or perfection. The biblical view of marriage is partners helping each other grow out of sin into new creations. Marriage is supposed to be vulnerable, hard work, letting each other into our shadow sides concealed from the world. Marriages need to work against entropy and avoidance if they are to stay alive and thriving. Spouses lovingly holding up a truthful mirror provide the best environment to foster change and join together to become part of something bigger than the self. Viewing falls, adversity and blemishes as blessings allows the emergence of a positive cycle where being vulnerable fuels further vulnerability. In secure relationships, every fight or miscommunication is an opportunity to get closer and know each other more intimately. 

Flexibly tailoring when to emotionally engage or disengage depending on the circumstances is the key to healthy resiliency. It is necessary for many responders to change their mentality regarding emotional expression from an either/or into an and/both perspective. After years of conditioning to emotionally shut down, it makes sense how some responders may find it difficult to open up. True vulnerability is just sharing your truth, and not knowing what to do (confusion and helplessness) is a pretty good starting point. What works is authenticity, not trying to make men act more feminine. 

Emotional engagement is sharing the feeling however the other person experiences it. Learning to give each other permission for this experience and choosing to compassionately come alongside the struggle is following the image of Jesus. God is inviting us all into an open relationship with Him where all that is necessary is our full presence.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

• Reflecting on this article, what ways do you see that you shut down emotionally in relationship to your spouse?

• Knowing that your job effects how you emotionally relate, what practical steps can you take to open up emotionally to your spouse?