Wonderfully ComplexSample

ANGER & BLAME

Anger is a complex emotion rooted in guardedness and self-protection. Cousins of anger are emotions such as frustration, irritation, bitterness, wrath, jealousy, resentment, sadness, fear, and depression. Anger is also known as a secondary defensive emotion. However, most express anger, as they do not consider the below-the-surface triggered emotion that anger is trying to protect.

When our crucial needs of love, purpose, and value are experienced as blocked goals, then anger is often experienced. For example, if our goal is to feel loved in marriage, but a spouse is blocking my expectations, the emotion is anger. If my goal is to succeed in a career or ministry and something is blocking me from achieving that goal, then anger is triggered. Sometimes, the thing that blocks us from achieving our goals is our inabilities, and the anger becomes directed at ourselves.

Blame is an attack response then driven by anger. It often feels easier to attack another with the weapon of blame than to own the root trigger inside you.

James 1:19-20 gives three instructions to help manage anger when triggered.

1. Be quick to listen. When anger is triggered in you or someone else, press pause and be quick to listen instead of react. Aim to listen to the triggered emotions behind anger. Are you feeling insecure, threatened, exposed, or rejected? Pause to create space to truly hear what you or another is feeling in that moment.

2. Be slow to speak. In other words, be slow to react verbally when triggered by anger. Instead, be curious to understand WHY you or another person is angry. Curiosity is a powerful tool for killing conflict. Most react to reactions instead of responding in curiosity.

3. Lastly, when we are quick to listen and slow to speak, then it is easier to be slow to anger. Understanding ourselves and others gives us empathy and helps us respond with accuracy.

Anger is an emotion we need not fear but use to grow self-awareness in the spaces that need healing.

REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS

• What spaces trigger anger in you?
• What is your general go-to reactive behavior when you are triggered by anger?
• What effect do your reactions have on the world around you?
• Do your reactions help or hinder relational safety?
• What beneath-the-surface emotion is your anger protecting?

PRAY

Lord, I bring you my fears, insecurities, hurts, and traumas to you today. I pray that you help me be quick to listen and slow to speak when triggered by anger. Thank you that I can trust in you as my shield and protector instead of my reactions of anger.