I'll See You Tomorrow: Building Relational Resilience When You Want to QuitSample

Let Them Go

When I shared some of the unhealthy things I was experiencing in my relationship with my verbally abusive ex-fiancé, a Christian friend paraphrased Romans 5:20 for me: “Where sin abounds, grace abounds more.” Beloved, that verse is about Jesus, not you, and Christians who encourage you to stay in a relationship that makes you sicker instead of healthier are not doing a good job of being Christ followers at all. That is spiritual abuse. It is not unchristian or unholy to tell someone no. "No" is simply being wise with your resources. No is putting the oxygen mask on your own face first, so you can help others. This is how you can feel safe again.

I had a moment during my breakup with my ex-fiancé when I felt so much guilt. I felt if I wasn’t there for him, no one would be. For me, the situation became so toxic that I was eventually granted a restraining order. My dad was instrumental in walking me through it.

“You aren’t the bad person here,” Dad said. “You communicated your boundaries. He isn’t respecting them. The choices he has now made have given you no other alternative but to end communication. You are simply respecting his choice.”

That made so much sense to me. Sometimes we can carry burdens that aren’t ours to lift. We can worry that by saying “no more,” we are somehow being bad friends, bad partners, or bad children. But if you communicate a boundary in a relationship and someone makes a choice to disrespect it, then you are simply respecting their choice to end the relationship.

You said, “I don’t like it when you do X. I am asking you to stop doing it.”

If they continue, even after you have clearly communicated your expectations, could it be time to respect their choice? Not every relationship is meant to be fought for. And a really good way to know which ones are is to pay attention to who isn’t respecting your no. "No" is not a bad word, but it is wrong for people to make you feel bad for using it. The only way for a pattern to stop is if one of you chooses to break it.

We say yes all the time, so much so that our yes is often meaningless. Before you say yes to something new, I want you to learn how to say no to something draining. It turns out that allowing yourself to say no is the key to living a more meaningful yes.

Pray

Father God, please show me where I need to use my no to become healthier, not sicker. Give me wisdom in using it, and help me place loving boundaries for more meaningful yesses in my life.

Was this Plan helpful? We adapted this Plan from the book I’ll See You Tomorrow: Building Relational Resilience When You Want to Quit by Heather Thompson Day and Seth Day. Check it out for more.