Free Looks Good on You: Healing the Soul Wounds of Toxic LoveSample

In my first marriage, I spent a lot of energy trying to fix my spouse. It took me a long time to realize that I had no control over his behavior. I’d allowed many offenses because I had weak boundaries and permitted unacceptable behavior to continue. The truth is that I often taught my husband how to treat me by what I tolerated.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, much of your frustration and bitterness can be avoided when you recognize your mental handicaps. Prevention and awareness are huge factors when it comes to forgiveness. When your soul is not healthy, you become vulnerable to unhealthy relationships and unknowingly create an environment where bitterness has the potential to flourish.

Some common mental handicaps include picking men you want to change, ignoring red flags, getting emotionally involved too soon, and misunderstanding submission and how to set healthy boundaries. It’s also important to heal from emotional issues stemming from past relationships, including any lingering emotional wounds we’ve experienced from our fathers. Otherwise, we’ll carry those hurts into our romantic relationships. 

Mandi expressed some profound self-awareness at a codependency meeting I once attended. “I used to wonder,” she said, “did I pick the wrong person?” She paused for a moment and shifted in her chair. “The truth is, any guy would have been the wrong one. In the shape I was in—until I learned how to put my past behind me and forgive my father—my anger and bitterness issues would have either drawn me to unhealthy partners or caused me to destroy even a healthy relationship.”

Mandi had identified her handicap. She recognized that her own anger was the root of her inability to enjoy a healthy relationship. Like Mandi, until we recognize our part and hold ourselves accountable to change, our handicaps will keep us bound in misery. And then, even if we pick the right guy, our bitterness will cause us to sabotage what could have been a healthy relationship. 

Like Mandi, when we carry offenses against men we’ve not yet forgiven, our bitterness can destroy even healthy relationships. Our bitterness is like a heat-seeking missile—a weapon with an invisible guidance system that seems to draw us toward explosive targets. 

While we can’t change our partner, we can change our responses. And the good news is that the more we take care of our own temple, the less time we’ll spend making repairs and cleaning up the mess that bitterness leaves behind. When we learn how to protect our areas of vulnerability we can prevent additional offenses from causing further damage to our soul.