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REBUILDING TRUST AFTER REPEATED AFFAIRS
Of all the strange assignments God handed out to the prophets of the Old Testament, Hosea’s was perhaps the most bizarre: he was instructed to marry a promiscuous woman and then to forgive her and bear with her, time and time again, as she became involved in a long series of infidelities and adulterous affairs. The reason? The Lord wanted Hosea — and the rest of the Israelites — to understand what it was like for Him to continue loving His wayward people in spite of their long history of unfaithfulness. He was trying to show them, by means of an illustration drawn from real life, that “if we are faithless, He remains faithful; for He cannot deny Himself” (2 Timothy 2:13).
If your marriage has suffered the shock of multiple affairs, it’s worth bearing Hosea’s example in mind. Recovering from infidelity is always a long and involved process, but it’s even more difficult if your spouse has been unfaithful more than once throughout your history together. Sadly enough, there are some spouses who display a tendency to cheat, get caught, express remorse, and make promises of reform only to fall into the same pattern again and again after the marriage has returned to “normal.” If this is your situation, and if you really want to repair your marriage in a meaningful and lasting way, you need to do everything you can to break this pattern.
Not surprisingly, many victims of multiple affairs are individuals of a very forgiving nature. If that’s you, you need to consider the possibility that the forgiveness you’ve offered your spouse in the past may have been too quick and superficial. Remember, real forgiveness has to go deeper than mere words. You can only forgive to the extent that you honestly acknowledge the seriousness of the offense and face up to the intensity of the pain that it has caused you. You cannot forgive an affair in a week or a month — maybe not even in a year. It takes time and vulnerability to understand how profoundly infidelity wounds a marriage and a family.
It’s also critical that you require a true change of behavior from your spouse. There’s a big difference between a person who is remorseful because he got caught and one who genuinely accepts responsibility for his horrendous behavior. The problem is that it’s difficult to tell the difference between the two right up front. That kind of discernment usually has to be developed through a long process of tears, pain, and broken promises.
If your spouse has been unfaithful again, it’s time to move beyond a simple, superficial “I forgive you.” The situation won’t improve unless he or she takes steps to prove to you that things are going to be different this time around. That’s going to take a lot of hard work.
Among other things, it will require that the two of you get into marital counseling. If your spouse is willing to work through the issues that led to his or her bad decisions in the first place, and if he or she is ready to abide by the boundaries that a qualified marriage counselor helps you establish together, you can feel hopeful that you’re on the right track. Whatever you do, don’t fall back into the old patterns of the past. Marriages do survive infidelity, even multiple affairs. Just remember that substantial change is not easy and will require a dedicated effort from both of you.
Of all the strange assignments God handed out to the prophets of the Old Testament, Hosea’s was perhaps the most bizarre: he was instructed to marry a promiscuous woman and then to forgive her and bear with her, time and time again, as she became involved in a long series of infidelities and adulterous affairs. The reason? The Lord wanted Hosea — and the rest of the Israelites — to understand what it was like for Him to continue loving His wayward people in spite of their long history of unfaithfulness. He was trying to show them, by means of an illustration drawn from real life, that “if we are faithless, He remains faithful; for He cannot deny Himself” (2 Timothy 2:13).
If your marriage has suffered the shock of multiple affairs, it’s worth bearing Hosea’s example in mind. Recovering from infidelity is always a long and involved process, but it’s even more difficult if your spouse has been unfaithful more than once throughout your history together. Sadly enough, there are some spouses who display a tendency to cheat, get caught, express remorse, and make promises of reform only to fall into the same pattern again and again after the marriage has returned to “normal.” If this is your situation, and if you really want to repair your marriage in a meaningful and lasting way, you need to do everything you can to break this pattern.
Not surprisingly, many victims of multiple affairs are individuals of a very forgiving nature. If that’s you, you need to consider the possibility that the forgiveness you’ve offered your spouse in the past may have been too quick and superficial. Remember, real forgiveness has to go deeper than mere words. You can only forgive to the extent that you honestly acknowledge the seriousness of the offense and face up to the intensity of the pain that it has caused you. You cannot forgive an affair in a week or a month — maybe not even in a year. It takes time and vulnerability to understand how profoundly infidelity wounds a marriage and a family.
It’s also critical that you require a true change of behavior from your spouse. There’s a big difference between a person who is remorseful because he got caught and one who genuinely accepts responsibility for his horrendous behavior. The problem is that it’s difficult to tell the difference between the two right up front. That kind of discernment usually has to be developed through a long process of tears, pain, and broken promises.
If your spouse has been unfaithful again, it’s time to move beyond a simple, superficial “I forgive you.” The situation won’t improve unless he or she takes steps to prove to you that things are going to be different this time around. That’s going to take a lot of hard work.
Among other things, it will require that the two of you get into marital counseling. If your spouse is willing to work through the issues that led to his or her bad decisions in the first place, and if he or she is ready to abide by the boundaries that a qualified marriage counselor helps you establish together, you can feel hopeful that you’re on the right track. Whatever you do, don’t fall back into the old patterns of the past. Marriages do survive infidelity, even multiple affairs. Just remember that substantial change is not easy and will require a dedicated effort from both of you.
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About this Plan
Once you’ve captured a new vision for the future of your marriage, you’re ready for the nuts and bolts of bringing it back to life. The tools you’ll use are things like forgiveness, trust, and restoration. Much of that work will be between you and your spouse. But it’s crucial to start with God. It’s His grace that’ll transform your efforts into reconciliation and healing in your relationship.
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