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Basically, marital infidelity exists on a continuum. On one end, there’s the unique, isolated, one-time moral slip-up: a mistake that seems completely out of character on the part of the offender. The seriousness of such an offense should not be downplayed, since in most cases the external relationship (the actual affair) is really just a symptom of a much deeper problem — the final step in a hundred-step journey, if you will. In spite of this, there are some important ways in which the “one-time slip-up” demands an equally intense and intentional, but different response and treatment than a situation that has involved repeated affairs.
This latter scenario lies at the other end of the spectrum and is what might be called “the most recent episode:” yet another incident in a long-established pattern of waywardness. An affair of this variety has to be approached from a very different perspective simply because the offender has an established history of violating his or her marital vows.
How would you objectively assess or quantify your spouse’s extramarital activity? How you answer this question will go a long way toward determining your response.
If the affair was a one-time event, you have good grounds to hope that you and your spouse will be able to survive it and rebuild your marriage on an even firmer footing — provided you’re willing to work together in order to achieve the goal. Statistics indicate that reconciliation and recovery will be far easier to achieve if your spouse has no previous record of infidelity and if he or she is genuinely sorry about the incident.
On the other side of the coin, if there has been a pattern of unfaithfulness in your marriage, it will probably be more difficult for the guilty party to feel genuinely repentant and remorseful about his or her behavior. If confronted with it, he or she may even adopt a defiant or defensive attitude. This is what the Bible refers to as “hardness of heart.” It’s a serious spiritual malady, and the longer it persists, the harder it is to cure. This is a vitally important consideration, since the success of the healing process is directly dependent upon the offender’s willingness to admit his or her wrongdoing and to make a determined effort to change course.
Before proceeding, you should look for evidence of genuine “godly sorrow” (2 Corinthians 7:10) as opposed to the “worldly sorrow” which simply says, “I’m sorry I got caught.” A key indicator of a godly sorrow would include a willingness on the part of the wayward spouse to talk with a marriage counselor who can access his or her vulnerabilities, as well as the weaknesses of the relationship.
If there is a pattern here, you should ask yourself whether it’s symptomatic of some deeper underlying problem. For example, is it possible that your spouse is wrestling with a sex addiction? Do the two of you struggle with attachment issues? Is there a lack of emotional honesty or intimacy in your marriage? These are questions that you need to broach candidly and openly with the help of a third party . Be careful to avoid attributing the misbehavior to superficial explanations such as: “he was working too many hours”; “she was overly involved with the children and ignored me”; or “she was pregnant and not sexually available.” If you don’t, you can’t expect to mend the breach caused by the affair.
To patch things up without ferreting out and dealing with these hidden enemies would be like rebuilding a house on a cracked foundation. You have to get to the heart of the matter if you want a permanent solution. Otherwise, you’ll just be putting a band-aid over a festering wound.
Basically, marital infidelity exists on a continuum. On one end, there’s the unique, isolated, one-time moral slip-up: a mistake that seems completely out of character on the part of the offender. The seriousness of such an offense should not be downplayed, since in most cases the external relationship (the actual affair) is really just a symptom of a much deeper problem — the final step in a hundred-step journey, if you will. In spite of this, there are some important ways in which the “one-time slip-up” demands an equally intense and intentional, but different response and treatment than a situation that has involved repeated affairs.
This latter scenario lies at the other end of the spectrum and is what might be called “the most recent episode:” yet another incident in a long-established pattern of waywardness. An affair of this variety has to be approached from a very different perspective simply because the offender has an established history of violating his or her marital vows.
How would you objectively assess or quantify your spouse’s extramarital activity? How you answer this question will go a long way toward determining your response.
If the affair was a one-time event, you have good grounds to hope that you and your spouse will be able to survive it and rebuild your marriage on an even firmer footing — provided you’re willing to work together in order to achieve the goal. Statistics indicate that reconciliation and recovery will be far easier to achieve if your spouse has no previous record of infidelity and if he or she is genuinely sorry about the incident.
On the other side of the coin, if there has been a pattern of unfaithfulness in your marriage, it will probably be more difficult for the guilty party to feel genuinely repentant and remorseful about his or her behavior. If confronted with it, he or she may even adopt a defiant or defensive attitude. This is what the Bible refers to as “hardness of heart.” It’s a serious spiritual malady, and the longer it persists, the harder it is to cure. This is a vitally important consideration, since the success of the healing process is directly dependent upon the offender’s willingness to admit his or her wrongdoing and to make a determined effort to change course.
Before proceeding, you should look for evidence of genuine “godly sorrow” (2 Corinthians 7:10) as opposed to the “worldly sorrow” which simply says, “I’m sorry I got caught.” A key indicator of a godly sorrow would include a willingness on the part of the wayward spouse to talk with a marriage counselor who can access his or her vulnerabilities, as well as the weaknesses of the relationship.
If there is a pattern here, you should ask yourself whether it’s symptomatic of some deeper underlying problem. For example, is it possible that your spouse is wrestling with a sex addiction? Do the two of you struggle with attachment issues? Is there a lack of emotional honesty or intimacy in your marriage? These are questions that you need to broach candidly and openly with the help of a third party . Be careful to avoid attributing the misbehavior to superficial explanations such as: “he was working too many hours”; “she was overly involved with the children and ignored me”; or “she was pregnant and not sexually available.” If you don’t, you can’t expect to mend the breach caused by the affair.
To patch things up without ferreting out and dealing with these hidden enemies would be like rebuilding a house on a cracked foundation. You have to get to the heart of the matter if you want a permanent solution. Otherwise, you’ll just be putting a band-aid over a festering wound.
Scripture
About this Plan
Discovering your spouse has had an affair can be life-shattering. The emotional upheaval is so overwhelming the offended spouse often becomes erratic and makes hasty or irrational decisions. Many even wonder, “How will I survive this?” It’s a long journey, but there are some crucial beginning steps to consider. So take a deep breath, and let’s discuss how to get moving forward through this problem with courage and purpose.
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