Overcoming Shame: A 9-Day Video SeriesSample

Jealousy is not always a bad thing. God even refers to himself as a “jealous God” at times (Exodus 20:5). This obviously means there are times to be jealous and protective of something or someone you love.

It is hard to imagine any seriously romantic relationship where the partners would not want to protect the intimate nature of their relationship from would-be rivals seeking to break it up. If you never felt jealousy of any kind in a romantic relationship, your partner might well question whether you were truly in love.

At the very least, feelings of jealousy can alert you that something might be in need of your attention. Your jealousy might be telling you to listen better, express your affection more often, or simply pay more attention to the one you love. In all these ways, jealousy can be a good thing.

But I don’t have to tell you that jealousy can also be a bad thing.

Marriages have ended because of it, wars have been fought, mental patients have been diagnosed with a delusional form of it, and we even have special laws governing crimes of passion, which signifies that the judicial system recognizes the distorting power jealousy can have on human judgment.

So what’s the difference between good jealousy and the bad kind? Shame.

Underlying every destructive expression of jealousy, you will find intense, longstanding feelings of shame. People who are prone to shame have a difficult time managing all of their emotions, and jealousy is no exception. Once shame gets involved, you are no longer just trying to protect someone or something you love; now you are aggressively fighting to keep from being exposed as a loser, or someone who is not worthy of love.