Caring Enough To Confront By David AugsburgerSample

Day Two

The Fifth View

Scripture: Psalm 133

Care-fronting sees conflict as natural, normal, neutral and sometimes even delightful. It recognizes that conflict can turn into painful or disastrous ends, but it doesn’t need to. Conflict itself is neither good nor bad, right nor wrong. Conflict simply is. 

How we view conflict has a significant role in the pattern of our life. If I, for example, view conflict as a given, as a fixed matter of fate, explaining, “We just can’t get along—that’s all there is to it,” then my life pattern would be one of avoiding threat, withdrawing and going my own isolated, escapist, well-armored way. “Confronting is useless, caring is hopeless, we are helpless, it is best to flee.” 

If I view conflict as an inevitable issue of right and wrong, then my life will uphold and maintain the right even if it requires pressuring, forcing, and, above all, winning. “Conflict is a matter of who, not what is right. I happen to be right (of course) and you wrong (no offense), so yield.”

If I see conflict as crushing, as threatening, as disastrous, warning myself, “If we clash, I’ll be judged—be rejected—our friendship will fall through,” then my life pattern would be acting nice guy or gal, quickly yielding and accommodating to keep things comfortable. 

If I see conflict as a mutual difference to be resolved by meeting each other halfway, then my life pattern will be a compromising, meet-me-in-the-middle style of one-for-me-and-one-for-you cooperation. 

But there is a fifth view: I can come to see conflict as natural, neutral, normal. I may then be able to see the difficulties we experience as tensions in relationships and honest differences in perspective that can be worked through in collaboration created by each caring about the other and each confronting the other with truthfulness and love. “Conflict is the opportunity to become co-creators of a joint solution—let’s risk open trust, honest self-disclosure and frank confrontation.” 

So here are the five options for responding to conflict: (1) I’ll get you; (2) I’ll get out; (3) I’ll give in; (4) I’ll meet halfway; or (5) I care enough to confront. Each of these five positions, when dominant, has the power to shape the course of your life. 

Thinking back through your relationships of the past week, which of the five ways of responding to conflict did you use most frequently?