4 Common Communication Mistakes in MarriageSample

Mistake 1: What we say is different from what we mean

Today’s passage from James 1 is one I know well, but I don’t always live like I do. Have you ever spoken words to your spouse that didn’t line up with what you really meant? Have you wished you could take your words back as you heard them coming out of your mouth?

The other day my wife, Nancy, shared something a friend of hers had said. I don't know this friend very well, but in my observation, this friend of Nancy’s tends to exaggerate or gossip. Nancy’s friend told her something about a good friend of mine.

As Nancy relayed the story, I could feel myself getting angry. First, because her friend does not know my friend like I do. Second, what she said just wasn’t true. So in my head, I was thinking, “I can’t believe anything Nancy’s friend says. She is gossiping about my friend.” I was willing to bet everything that what she’d said was a lie.

In all my wisdom as a counselor, this is what I said, “I can’t believe you would believe anything that so-called friend of yours would say. You are smarter than that.”

As the words flowed out of my mouth, I tried to catch them before they reached Nancy's ears, but that was impossible. I’d said it. I felt the weight of Proverbs 13:13, “Those who guard their lips preserve their lives.” Not only did I discount her friend, I also discounted my wife, and caused a pain point between us.

But that was not what I wanted to communicate. What I said was different than what I really meant.

So often we say things differently than we really mean. This is why we need to grow in this practice of slowing down enough to say what we actually mean.

James 1:19 says we are to, “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” The Message version says it this way, “Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear.”

Do you want to start saying what you actually mean and be understood well with grace and love in your marriage? Are you ready for more peace in your marriage?

I think the answer for me and you is that when our spouse is telling us something we disagree with, we first “guard our lips;” do not speak carelessly. Then we lay James 1:19 over the conversation. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. When you listen well, slow down, and don’t rush to anger, you will say what you actually mean.

Today’s Challenge:

Take time to write out James 1:19 and then place the note somewhere that you will see it every day!