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How Gentleness Calms Conflict
By Rick Warren

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1 NIV)

Have you noticed that human beings have a tendency to mimic the emotions of people across from us? The reason we do this is because of mirror neurons in your brain. They allow you to sympathize and also mirror what other people feel.

For instance, if somebody gets angry with you, you get angry back. If somebody is really depressed and you hang around that person long enough, you get depressed.

In the same way, when people raise their voice against you, you usually raise your voice back. Then they raise their voice higher. Then you raise your voice higher. Then pretty soon, it’s escalated, and your emotions are out of control.

The Bible says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1 NIV).

Let me give you a little tip that will save you a lot of heartache and conflict in your life: When other people raise their voice, lower yours — in your marriage, in your parenting, in your friendships, and at work. That’s called strength under control.

Gentleness defuses conflict. It deescalates anger.

Here’s a good verse you’ll need someday — maybe even this week. Ecclesiastes 10:4 says, “If your boss is angry at you, don’t quit! A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes” (NLT, second edition).

When your boss rips into you or your spouse raises his voice in anger, you need to realize it may not have anything to do with you. Instead of getting defensive, practice gentleness. Let your gentle answer disarm the other person and diffuse the situation.

Talk It Over

What is your normal reaction to raised voices, such as when your kids are misbehaving, or there is a disagreement with your spouse or partner?

Why do you think responding in gentleness rather than anger is so disarming? Why does it get people’s attention?

Look for ways to practice gentleness this week. How do people react when you respond to them with gentleness? You may even want to record your efforts and their effect and share it with your small group.