Infidelity: Biblical/Practical QuestionsSample

STD TESTING FOR UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE If your marriage is in the process of recovering from an affair, you need to bear in mind that infidelity has a number of very real consequences, and that these consequences manifest themselves on various levels. As the Bible says, sin pays out its wages, and in some cases those wages can be deadly. Where infidelity is concerned, there are relational consequences as well as emotional consequences. There are spiritual consequences and consequences in terms of trust and confidence. All of this negative fallout has to be acknowledged and dealt with as directly and straightforwardly as possible if the marriage is to survive and thrive. If you and your spouse are currently in therapy with a trained counselor (as you ought to be), you’re probably discussing all of these issues in that context. Having said this, it’s vital to add that infidelity can also have physical and medical consequences. In particular, the danger of contracting a sexually transmitted disease is very real and present. If your spouse has been unfaithful, both of you should get tested for sexually transmitted diseases at the earliest opportunity. Here’s why. When marital unfaithfulness has occurred, one of the most important elements of the reconciliation process — perhaps the most important element — is a willingness on the part of the offending spouse to take responsibility for his actions and face up to the real-life results of the mistakes he has made. If your spouse’s actions have brought him into contact with sexually transmitted diseases, you will want to know about it right away. If an STD has been contracted, this could have huge implications for the sexual dimension of your relationship for the rest of your lives. This is a matter of special concern to a woman, since some of these diseases can lie dormant in the female body for a long time before manifesting any symptoms. It’s in everybody’s best interests to bring the facts to light as soon as possible — before there’s time for further damage to be incurred. If it seems “unforgiving” or “untrusting” to insist upon testing, consider the following. In the first place, medical testing has nothing to do with trust. It’s just a simple, practical way of ascertaining the facts. Are the infectious agents that cause STDs present or not? That’s what you want to know. If the test comes back negative, no harm has been done. But should it turn up positive evidence of an infection, this information will be invaluable to you in your efforts to avoid further suffering. Second, there’s a sense in which trust is a moot point at this stage in the game. By becoming involved in an extra-marital affair, your spouse has already proven untrustworthy. If he is still a man of character in any sense of the term, he ought to be willing to admit this and face the consequences head-on. That’s the only way he can realistically hope to re-establish trust and rebuild his relationship with you. Finally, you need to bear in mind that forgiveness and trust are two different things. You can forgive your spouse for past waywardness, but this doesn’t mean that you should give him carte blanche for the future, nor should you necessarily take his word for it when he insists that he’ll never go down that road again. Through his actions he has forfeited a degree of his freedom and respectability. Real healing and reconciliation between the two of you can’t occur unless he’s ready to be held accountable. Trust can be restored if accountability is maintained over a long period of time, but not otherwise. That’s just the way it is. Remember, too, that physical and sexual repercussions may be the least important aspects of an affair’s aftermath. The emotional and psychological sides of the problem are often of far greater importance and can be more difficult to resolve. If you’re serious about rebuilding trust and putting your marriage back on a firm footing, don’t stop short with medical testing for STDs. We highly recommend that you and your spouse move beyond this first and most basic step by initiating a rigorous course of therapy with a trained and qualified Christian counselor (if you haven’t already done so). Meeting with a good counselor is a necessary step to help uncover any unresolved issues in your relationship and get to the bottom of whatever it was that led to the affair in the first place. For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s website, or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).