Learning to De-EscalateSample

With Your Spouse

One of the most intense and complex relationships in life is with your spouse. They are your confidant, partner, lover, co-parent, and so much more. With so many roles intertwined, conflicts are inevitable—sometimes even daily. If you want your relationship to grow and flourish, mastering the art of de-escalation is essential.

Being right isn’t always a reason to keep pressing your point or prolonging an argument. I’ve learned (the hard way) that letting go of the need to win or “prove” myself can often be the most loving and wise choice. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is step back, listen, and choose peace over pride.

Proverbs 21:9 offers a gentle warning:

“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.”

While this verse humorously points out the consequences of unchecked conflict, the principle applies to both spouses. Constant arguing or insisting on being right creates distance, not connection.

I’ve found myself falling into the trap of trying to explain my point of view repeatedly, hoping she’ll eventually see things my way. But honestly? That approach almost never works. Instead, it often escalates the situation, turning a minor disagreement into a major fight. Winning the argument might feel satisfying in the moment, but it can damage the bond you’re trying to build.

Paul reminds us in Ephesians 4:2-3:

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

This is a beautiful reminder that humility, gentleness, and patience are vital for maintaining harmony in marriage.

Sarcasm and rudeness are easy traps to fall into, but they rarely lead to resolution. As James 1:19 teaches us:

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”

When we pause, listen, and avoid hurtful comments, we honor our spouse and the commitment we’ve made to love and cherish them.

Marriage is about partnership, not competition. De-escalating isn’t about “losing” the argument; it’s about choosing love and prioritizing your relationship over your ego. After all, as 1 Corinthians 13:5 reminds us, love “does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

In moments of conflict, ask yourself: Is winning worth the cost? Most of the time, the answer is no. Instead, focus on de-escalating, forgiving, and moving forward together. Your marriage and your peace will thank you.