Day 4: What sort of conflict is it, and how do I respond biblically?

Conflict begins with a rub. Something about a person or situation is bothering us. When things rub us the wrong way, and we don’t realize it, we often lose trust or respect for that person. If we don’t take the time to figure out what is bothering us and why and learn how to communicate with the other person, we won’t be able to maintain close, deep relationships.

There are three sources of conflict. Once you realize something is rubbing you the wrong way, you want to put it in one of these categories, and then respond with the appropriate biblical response.

1. Differences. This is the most common source of conflict because everyone has varied backgrounds, experiences, giftings, personalities, values, and passions. Some personality differences may include introvert, extrovert, people-person, task-oriented, structured, free-flowing, more emotional, or more stoic. Are these things wrong? No. But sometimes we see someone who lives life differently and think their way needs to be corrected. We need to be careful not to condemn personality differences.

We also need to watch out for value differences. This is one of the biggest rubs and can feel the most personal. Do you value harmony while someone else values justice? Do you value rules and policies while others value freedom and no structure? Do you value spontaneity and thinking outside the box while someone else values tradition? We each have different values that we live out of, affecting how we live, think, speak, and interact.

In the case of differences, to respond biblically, we must pursue understanding and appreciate our differences. Picture the person that is different than you and view them through Paul’s words in Colossians 3:12-14, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also MUST forgive. And above all these, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Learn their background, values, and why things matter to them. Then, appreciate how they are different, remembering we are each made in God’s image but made differently to bring glory to Him and to function better in the body of Christ.

2. Weaknesses. Weaknesses can often take the form of immaturity (social, emotional, or physical) or a lack of experience, skill, or exposure to opportunities for growth in a particular area.

In the case of weakness, to respond biblically, we are to be patient and willing to help. Romans 15:1 says, “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.” And Acts 20:35 says, “In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak.” We are to come alongside them and help them grow.

3. Sin. Sin can manifest itself in attitudes, behavior, and words. This is the most delicate because, unlike differences and weaknesses, identifying things that seem wrong involves moral judgment. We sometimes are wronged by others, or we wrong them. These can be the most intimidating situations, but we must do so for their good and the good of others.

In the case of sin, to respond biblically, we must have a view of restoring the relationship, not punishing or retaliating. Here is the process we are to use. “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church” (Matthew 18:15-17, ESV). Paul explains, "If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness” (Galatians 6:1, ESV). The goal is to pursue reconciliation with some so that they become right with God and others. If that is not our goal, we should not enter the conversation because it will not bring God glory.

Reflect on these questions:

• What tends to rub you the wrong way with people around you?
• Why do you think they rub you the wrong way?
• Who might you need to go and talk with toward the goal of reconciliation?

Pray and ask God to give you wisdom about the conflict and to prepare you to respond biblically to the situation. Invite the Holy Spirit to strengthen you so that you put on love and a heart for restoration.