Surviving Year One: After the Death of Your SpouseSample

He Knew the Day

The morning had started normally, with orange juice and coffee at our kitchen table. As we discussed our plans for baking Christmas cookies and having family over to watch a movie, it was a typical day. Until it wasn’t.

By the end of the day, my living room was littered with evidence of our desperate attempts to bring comfort to my husband, who sat lifeless in his favorite chair. I sat down on the couch in shock over what had taken place.

“What happens next?” I asked the nurse who’d entered my home for the first time just hours before.

“Did you discuss where he wanted to be buried?” she gently asked.

“No,” I whispered.

Death hadn’t crossed our minds. We weren’t discussing funeral homes or burial locations; we were discussing cookies.

Since my husband’s sudden death, I’ve tried to figure out what led up to that night, repeatedly asking myself, “What did I miss? What should I have done differently? How could we have been more prepared?”

I’ve learned I’m not alone. Grief can trap us in an endless cycle of trying to understand what happened in a desperate attempt to undo our pain and loss. This only leads to exhaustion. Eventually, we must come to terms with the painful reality that our spouse died, and there’s nothing we can do (or could have done) to change it.

I’ve found comfort in knowing that God wasn’t caught off guard by my husband’s death. He was with us each minute of that terrible day. He knew how it would end before it began. Since every day of our spouse’s life was written by God before they were born, nothing and no one could’ve prevented their first or last breath. This can seem cruel when death is unexpected, painful, or traumatic. Yet we also learn that God cares deeply about the day His people die and come home to Him, saying in Psalm 116:15, “Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.”

God’s word says our spouse’s death was precious, purposeful, and planned, even though it might seem horrible, purposeless, and shocking to us. When thoughts of guilt or regret plague you, remind yourself that the God who loves your spouse didn’t let a single hour of their life be cut short. Before your spouse was born, He knew the day.