Love After Marriage: Steps to Reconciliation Sample

Day 4: You Cannot Reconcile A Victim Spirit

Often when Lori and I teach this tool of reconciliation, someone will ask, “What do you do if one person always wants you to reconcile and blames you for everything but won’t do the reconciliation themselves? This pattern probably represents what is often called a “victim spirit.” A person under the influence of a victim spirit will be highly skilled at finding fault in others and equally skilled at avoiding ownership of his or her own faults and weaknesses. Here are a few common characteristics of a victim spirit (full list provided in the Love After Marriage book):

1. The victim spirit or attitude enters through real pain, hurt, and trauma. In other words, there is real victimization in the person’s life and the enemy takes advantage of the pain to bring the victim attitude.
2. The victim spirit teaches an ungodly way to avoid dealing with pain by focusing on others' faults.
3. A victim spirit steals away faith, hope, and courage and replaces it with hopelessness, accusation, and manipulation.

The victim spirit is a destroyer of intimacy in marriage. Because the victim spirit teaches a person to deflect blame so well, it blinds the person to their own faults and prevents them from reconciling, which causes nothing to change in the relationship. If you find yourself doing sincere reconciliation over and over with no results, while your spouse blames you continually, you may be dealing with a victim spirit in your marriage. (Continual blame can also occur when a person is living in hidden sin and conceals the sin by blaming instead of repenting.) However, it is imperative that you speak the truth in love even in the face of your spouse’s anger or threats of rejection. A person who is under the influence of a victim spirit must choose to own his or her stuff and take risks to trust or he/she will never be free. If we try to take responsibility for all of the wrong and hurt in our marriage when our spouse unjustly blames us, we will only succeed in reinforcing our spouse’s control through the victim spirit. Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” When we can humble ourselves and renew our minds, then the real work can begin in our lives by having God come in and heal the parts that aren’t allowing us to truly connect with our spouse.

Ponder & Pray: (Part 1) Lord, I humbly come before you and ask that you show me if there are any ways that I have operated in a victim spirit (Write down anything you hear).

Part 2 (If the Holy Spirit tells you anything continue to part 2) Lord, thank you for revealing the ways that I have operated in this spirit. Please show me where this came in from (Take a few minutes to listen as He brings up a specific memory. It will usually be the first thing that comes to mind).

Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the lies that the victim spirit has been speaking to you (refer back to the characteristics of a victim spirit above). Use the 1-2-3 Skidoo Tool to get rid of the lies from the victim spirit. Use the tool as often as needed.

Activation: 1-2-3 Skidoo Tool (Follow the steps below and nail to the cross any areas that the Holy Spirit brought up while you were praying (Part 1).

1. I nail __________ to the cross.

(Example: Control, Manipulation, or Accusation. If the Lord brought up multiple things, then nail all of those to the cross)

2. I break all agreements I’ve made with __________ known or unknown and I repent of joining with ________. And I command all of this darkness and deception away from me.

3. I ask you, Father, to remove all of this away from me as far as the east is from the west, and Father, what do You want to give me in place of __________? (Take a few moments to hear what He wants to say to you or show you. It’s usually the first thing that comes to mind)