The Grace MarriageSample

DAY 3—Performance Vs. Grace-Based Marriage

The world around us teaches a performance-based approach to everything. If you are good to me, I’ll be good to you. If you are kind, I’ll be kind. If you do well, you’ll be rewarded. If you do poorly, you’ll get a consequence. This performance-based mentality plagues many marriages.

But what if we took a grace-based approach to life and marriage? A grace-based marriage would look like offering service, kindness, generosity, and love as a free gift because you love your spouse… even when they didn’t “deserve it.”

It is responding to unkindness with kindness, to stinginess with generosity, and to thoughtlessness with thoughtfulness. It’s saying, “I love you too much to allow this to create a barrier between us.” It is shining the light of the gospel on the darkness.

It is adopting a rescue mentality instead of an offense mentality—seeing your spouse’s struggles as a chance to love them instead of withdrawing or punishing them. Grace is choosing not to condition love on the behavior of the other. It is getting rid of the “you get what you deserve” or tit-for-tat line of thinking.

It’s important to note that grace is not tolerating abuse or infidelity, and it doesn’t mean you fail to address real issues. Grace never gives a spouse license to behave badly, but rather it leans hard into the truth that “God’s kindness that leads to repentance” (Romans 2:4). Proverbs 15:1 is a good reminder too: "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Placing your marriage under the banner of God’s grace is revolutionary and refreshing. Grace guides us into a better place, magnifying the power of Jesus and the beauty of His love.

Your marriage will no longer be dependent on the efforts of man but will be dependent on the perfection and grace of Jesus. It will be off the rollercoaster of performance and onto the rock-solid foundation of Jesus Christ.