Learning the Jesus Way of LifeSample

How to Deal With Difficult People

Pray: Jesus, give me the faith to go where you go, do what you do, trust what you say, and love how you love. Today, I commit to following you. Amen.

Following Jesus isn’t something we’re meant to do alone. When we begin a relationship with Him, He will bring us into relationships with other people—people who need us and people who we need. The Church, after all, isn’t a building. It’s people following Jesus together.

Most of the time, this is fun, exciting, and life-giving. But sometimes, it’s not. Because just like us, the people around us are infected by the disease of self-centeredness we call sin. They, like us, have egos. And, in the same way that we aren’t always kind and loving to others, they won’t always be kind and loving to us.

This reality can be extra frustrating because of the fact that we, as followers of Jesus— people committed to loving God with all that we are and loving others the way we want to be loved—should be better. We certainly know better. But often, we don’t act like it.

Strained friendships and fractured relationships are always a big deal. But they’re especially a big deal when it comes to the kingdom of God. Why is that? For three big reasons:

1. We cannot be right with God and wrong with others.

Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. 1 John 4:20–21 NIV

Our relationship with God is directly connected to our relationship with His kids. Think about it. If someone were to harass and bully your kids and then try to be best friends with you, you wouldn’t have it. You’d be really upset with that person, and until they started treating your kid better, you likely wouldn’t want anything to do with them. Never forget, when you are in conflict with another Christian, you are in conflict with one of God’s kids, someone Jesus believed was worth sacrificing His life for.

If you want a strong and healthy relationship with God, then put in the work required to have strong and healthy relationships with His kids.

2. The world will know who Jesus is by the way we love.

At the Last Supper, Jesus kicked off a New Covenant between Himself and the world, and with this New Covenant came a new command:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34–35 NIV

Attached to this command is a promise: Our love for one another (meaning other Christians) will be the thing that tells people we are followers of Jesus. The most powerful evangelistic tool we have available to us is how we treat other believers. When we love one another sacrificially, serve each other humbly, and forgive others unconditionally, people will see our lives and know that we are disciples of Jesus. They’ll see a family defined by forgiveness and redemption and want to be a part of it. Sadly, the opposite is also true. When we don’t love each other well, people won’t be interested in what we have. Because they’ll probably assume the Gospel isn’t all that special and that we’re just a bunch of phonies and fakers.

3. When conflict goes unresolved, everyone suffers.

… But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. 1 Corinthians 12:24–26 NIV

When we start following Jesus, we don’t just become siblings with other Christians. We become part of the same body. Namely, the Body of Christ. Each of us has a specific part we are meant to play as individual pieces of a single organism. Some of us are elbows, others of us are feet, some are hands, and still others are probably toes. No matter what, we are designed to function together under the direction of Jesus, who is the head of the body. But, as the Scripture above tells us, when one part of the body suffers, the entire body suffers.

When a fellow Jesus follower mistreats us or takes advantage of us, it doesn’t just hurt us. It hurts them too. Because their wrongdoing is sin, and all sin drives us away from God and His will for our lives. When we refuse to forgive them and work toward reconciliation, it doesn’t just hurt them—it hurts us too. Because refusing to forgive others, as we learned earlier in this Plan, actually cuts us off from receiving forgiveness from God (Matthew 6:14–15). Not only that, but strained relationships are the ideal soil for seeds of bitterness to take root in.

It’s really important to God that His kids get along. Because it's important to Him, it needs to be important to us. So, what do we do? How do we respond when relationships are strained, conflict breaks out, and others sin against us?

We do what Jesus tells us to.

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matthew 18:15–17 NIV

These instructions are really simple, but that doesn’t mean they’re easy. Because talking to people is a lot harder and scarier than talking about people. Remember, following Jesus often requires choosing the “hard right” over the “easy wrong.”

In the vast majority of conflicts, the first step is all it takes. Sadly, many people aren’t even willing to take that step. Instead of obeying Jesus and going directly to the person who hurt them, they talk to everybody besides that person. Not only is talking to other people not helpful, it’s usually sinful. Because most of the time, we’re gossiping about the person and complaining about the situation.

That’s not what Jesus calls us to. He calls us to love others the same way He has loved us. While we were far from God, enslaved by sin, He willingly died for us on the cross. The conversation may be scary, but it’s absolutely worth it. More than likely, the conversation will go way better than your fears and insecurities tell you it will. But, even if it doesn’t, having the conversation is still the right thing because obeying Jesus is always the right thing to do. Their response is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to be faithful to Jesus and do whatever He asks.

Application: Think about your relationships with the other Christians in your life. Where is there friction? Are there things you’ve done to hurt them? Are there things they’ve done to hurt you? If there are, then don’t waste time. Today, begin the process of working towards reconciliation by talking to them. If they’ve hurt you, let them know—as kindly and respectfully as you can—how their actions affected you. If they own up to it, then celebrate because that relationship is being restored. If not, then move on to the next step in the process Jesus laid out for us. And what if you’ve done something to hurt someone else? Then, as humbly and honestly as you can, go to them and apologize for what you’ve done wrong. Ask for their forgiveness and how you can make it up to them.