The Flirtation Experiment: Putting Magic, Mystery, and Spark Into Your Everyday MarriageSample

The Desire Experiment

Phylicia

I put the baby in his crib and watched him drift off to sleep. Do I go to bed now, or do I stay awake? I mused. He was waking at least once, sometimes as many as four times, a night. It was a crapshoot which it would be, and I wanted to get as much sleep as I could.

But I also knew . . . it had been almost two weeks. Two weeks since you know what.

I was annoyed at the decision. Annoyed that I didn’t really want to have sex. Annoyed that my desire wasn’t there. Annoyed at my squishy postpartum body. Not so long ago I was the one with a higher drive, and now here I was, trying to invent reasons to go to sleep at 8:00 p.m. What had happened?

That was a rhetorical question because I knew full well what had happened. Life. Kids. Work. Changes. I knew the ups and downs of desire were normal, probably hormonal and definitely due to tiredness too. But I wanted my old self back! I wanted Josh to know I really did enjoy being with him— but the time was never right. When offered the choice between sleep and sex, the new me almost always chose sleep.

There was a time in our marriage when this scenario was completely reversed. I was the one with the higher drive, and I felt the sting of rejection. Josh was in a stressful season of work, and my initiation wasn’t always welcomed. I knew all too well how it felt to be turned down, how personal the sting, even if that wasn’t the intention. Josh never complained when I was tired, but I wanted better for us (as our season allowed). I wanted some of the spark and mystery back in the bedroom. But how—with three kids and so many responsibilities and a body that wasn’t like I wanted it—could I make it happen?

As with most things romantic, my tendency (and maybe yours) is to put things like desire and flirtation at the very end of my to-do list. They’re there if I get to them. Surprise—I rarely do! To really rejoice in my husband, I have to move desire further up, toward the top of my list. But how could desiring Josh be more important than unloading the dishwasher? Getting the girls’ homeschool done? Sending that marketing email? Can’t it wait? Yes, it can. But in my marriage, that waiting wore on day after day, until I never had time to desire Josh at all. I didn’t think about it except for the every-ten-days when he initiated something in the bedroom. In hormonal seasons, such as postpartum, I give myself grace—and so does he. But at the same time, I know our marriage feels more connected, more fun, and fierier when I “rejoice in the husband of my youth.”

First Corinthians 7 emphasizes the mutual nature of desire. Sexual desire is important, but equally important is a simple desire for your spouse himself. I knew the real issue regarding desire. Josh needed to know I desired him as a person, to be with him in general, not just in the bedroom. He needed to know I liked him, not just loved him, and that I liked him for who he was—not just what he could do for me. 

We usually sit in matching armchairs to watch TV in the evenings. But I noticed that the coffee table between our chairs often blocked our view of each other, and we definitely couldn’t sit together while watching. So I rearranged the living room so the couch faced the TV instead. For Josh, whose love language is physical touch, I knew this would send the message that I liked to be close to him. Our armchairs are comfy and convenient, but the closeness makes a difference for him.

I made a cheese plate and served it with our favorite bottle of wine. I picked out a show we both love and lit my fireplace display of candles.

“What’s the occasion?” Josh asked, slightly confused.

“None, I just wanted to be with you.”

I snuggled up to him on the couch, my phone turned off in another room. He put one arm around my shoulders and scooped some of the brie with the other. I gave him my full attention, saying with eyes and words and body: I desire you for who you are. It wasn’t much, but it was my effort to say, “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me” (Song 7:10).

In a healthy marriage that simply needs a little spark, the desire experiment can be a fun surprise. If initiating sex (for your sake, not just his) and being explicit in your desire is new to you, chances are it will be new to your husband too. Sometimes stepping into our desire and confidence as sexy, pursuing wives feels intimidating. Don’t think this requires becoming someone you’re not. Show your desire in a way that fits who you are—the woman your husband fell in love with.

Think about what you admire about your husband and what made you desire him when you first met. Let that inspire your experiment!

Respond

What first attracted you to your husband?

During marriage, list three things God has shown you about your husband that increased your desire for him.

Prayer

God, thank you for creating marriage and the desire for intimacy. May my marriage be grounded in You and honor You.