From Pain 2 Purpose: Begin to Process Loss and Forge AheadSample

What Do I Need to Move Forward? (Part 1)

First, if you are suffering a recent loss, you may not even be interested in moving forward right now. It may feel like it’s too early and too painful to even think of that. Because whether you’ve lost a child, a spouse, a sibling, or dear friend, you’d rather focus on wishing you had the loved one back than on how to move on without him or her. If you’ve experienced the loss of a dream, health, or hoped-for future, your loss may have such strong ties to that future that it’s difficult to imagine any other possible outcome. There is nothing wrong with those feelings. They are to be expected. We cannot turn ourselves around on a dime when our lives have long been intertwined with another person or when we have lost a cherished dream.

So, to one who has just experienced a major loss, the idea of moving forward may feel premature. Or, to those who feel stuck, the effort required to pull oneself out of the mire may feel overwhelming. Grief can be all consuming, especially unresolved grief. The thought of moving forward toward a future that is different from what you had hoped may feel utterly impossible. And the thought of moving forward in life without your loved one may feel unacceptable. You may feel that getting beyond your pain of loss is being disloyal to your loved one.

I, Cindy, felt that way about Austin.

When I lost my sixteen-year-old son, every fiber of my being cried out for him. My motherly instinct wanted to hold my boy and never let him go. To leave Austin’s lifeless body and walk out of the hospital that day was one of the hardest things I ever did. Before the casket was closed at the funeral, I ran my fingers through Austin’s hair and repeatedly kissed his cheek. I didn’t want to leave him. It didn’t seem right to imagine life without him. Duane gently held me close and whispered softly, “We are only saying goodbye for now.” That may be a good perspective, but it was of little consolation to me at the time.

My dear Austin was gone, and I resisted the thought of him not being with me. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. My mind and emotions rejected even the notion of death. I believe in a God who offers eternal life, and the whole idea of death felt so wrong. So placing Austin’s lifeless body in a grave and leaving him there wasn’t emotionally acceptable. None of our family was really prepared to let Austin go and for him not to be a part of our lives.

We found, however, that on one level, it was not necessary to emotionally let go of Austin in order to move forward and find a new normal. Yes, he was physically gone, and accepting that hard, irrevocable fact took a major adjustment. Yet we found that we could move forward while holding tightly to precious treasures like our love and precious memories of our son. Those who love another person deeply are never required to leave that love behind as they move into the future. The same is true for you. It is not necessary for you ever to let go of the love and memories of the one you have lost. But what each of us needs is to discover how to address any unresolved grief that tries to embed itself in our heart.