The Marriage Talks Part 1 | UnitySample

Day 3 | Philippians 2:1-7 | Humility

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Hello my friends. Welcome back to the Marriage Talks. Today we start in on the basic ingredients for a good marriage. Yesterday we learned what marriage is. It is a covenant of unity. Two become one.

So today we ask: What does it take to make that unity work? What are the ingredients that make marriage last? Not to make you happy - to make you one. Aim for happiness and you’ll likely find discontent; aim for wholeness and you’ll probably find yourself happy. As Jesus said: 

“Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these (other) things will be added to you" as well (Matthew 6:33, ESV).

Now some of you might be asking: Is this two-become-one concept really that important? I mean it’s just one verse. Well, when Jesus is asked a sticky question about marriage and divorce in Mark 10, he takes the same approach:

“From the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female’” (Mark 10:6).  

In other words, Jesus says go back to God’s original plan. And he quotes the very same verse from Genesis:

“and the two will become one flesh” (Mark 10:8).

And just to drive it home, he says it again - but this time in the present tense:

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh” (Mark 10:8).”

Jesus wants us to know that God’s plan from the beginning is still the present reality. The two are one. 

Now he also acknowledges that the hardness of human hearts complicates the situation, and that’s why God’s law through Moses did allow for divorce. It was a necessary reality that must be handled with justice and equity. But even as Jesus acknowledged the reality of our brokenness, he also reminded us that God’s plan from the beginning still stands. When a man and woman are married, the two become one. 

Paul quotes the same verse when he explains the heart of Christian marriage in Ephesians 5. And he quotes it again in 1st Corinthians 6 in reference to sex, when he explains why sexual immorality is so dangerous. Because God designed sex as an essential part of the two becoming one flesh. Again, humans have made rather a mess of it all with our sinful nature and our hardened hearts. We’ll come back to the trickier topics like sex, adultery, and divorce in a later series. Don’t skip ahead. I see you. For now, back to basic ingredients. 

So if marriage is all about being one, what is the first ingredient to unity? What do you think? Is it teamwork? Compromise - compatibility - communication? All those are great, but in the Bible, the first ingredient for unity - is humility. And for that, I have a story.

I was driving to church one morning, and my son Kaleb was in the passenger seat - about 10 years old then. I wasn’t paying attention at first, but Kaleb had a toy headset on - like a drive through cashier. And he was answering the phone like a helpline. And every time he picked up he said, “Possibility for Humility, how can I help you?” Yep, that’s the helpline he invented. He answered about four phone calls, and every one of them involved a caller whose dog had urinated on something electrical and started a fire. Not to worry, the fire department is on the way. Next caller. “Possibility for Humility, how can I help you?” Once again... dog urine, electrical fire. 

A. My son is hilarious. B. I decided I love that phrase. So much in life is a possibility for humility - an opportunity to recognize I can’t do this on my own, or to lower myself in order to serve another. To put their needs above my own. Humility is beautiful.

And perhaps the greatest possibility for humility is marriage. Because let’s face it, real life is full of dogs peeing and fires starting. Or at least - something like it. Life is challenging. Things go wrong. And our arrogance makes them worse. But a little humility, and we make it through together. 

As humans, we’re always looking for solutions to problems, and I think when you’re single marriage can look like a nice solution. Like everything would be easier if I was just married. But that’s not real. And the Bible doesn’t pretend. In 1st Corinthians 7, Paul reminds us that

“…those who marry will face many troubles in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28).

I’d like to see that on a wedding card. Now don’t misunderstand. Though marriage does not mean less troubles in life, it does mean that you have someone to walk through them with you. Ecclesiastes 4 says:

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor…” (Ecclesiastes 4:9).

Marriage is humbling. No matter how many books get written with seven easy steps to make it perfect, the reality is never that simple. And when we try to live up to cookie-cutter images of happily-ever-after, it usually just makes us feel guilty or ashamed that ours doesn’t match up.

But guilt and shame are not God’s plan for us. Remember back in Genesis 2, the final verse says that Adam and Eve felt no shame. That’s God’s plan. So lose the cookie-cutter, release the guilt and shame, and grab ahold of marriage ingredient number one: humility. 

Of all the virtues, I think humility is the most lovely. Humble people are so great. No pretense, no vanity, just real. Not false humility - putting yourself down or discounting your worth. I mean real humility - knowing your strengths, but never thinking they make you better. Knowing your weaknesses, and thanking God for the opportunity to rely on others.

Real humility is confidence without arrogance. 

Marriage is unity. And in the Bible, the key to unity is humility. Ephesians 4 is a powerful call to unity in the church. And it starts out:

“Be completely humble and gentle” (Ephesians 4:2).

Philippians 2 is all about unity: be like minded, be one in spirit and of one mind. That’s unity. How do we do it? Verse 3: 

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, consider others more important than yourself” (Philippians 2:3). 

Guys, do not miss how radical that verse is. Consider others more important than yourself. Who does that? Well, if you obey God, you do. And you know who else? Jesus does. Paul says that in your relationships you should have the same mindset as Jesus. Others above self. Well, marriage is relationship number one, and to make it work, you need the Jesus’ attitude. No selfish ambition. Only godly ambition. No vain conceit. You are not more important than anyone. Be humble.

Remember, we started at an altar because one plus one doesn’t equal one unless both parties make some real sacrifices. And that takes humility.

Back in Genesis 2, it describes a man leaving his father and mother, letting go of his former identity and embracing a new identity with his wife. You can’t hold onto everything you were and still become all that God wants you to be together. 

And humility is also key to wisdom. We all know that marriage requires wisdom, and James 3 tells us that the true sign of godly wisdom is deeds done in humility (James 3:13).

Now speaking of humble deeds, there is one more key passage on humility. John 13 is a story about Jesus’ love, and a crucial lesson for his disciples on how to love. When Jesus gave his disciples a new commandment - to love one another as He loved them - it was just after he humbled himself to wash their feet. Listen, humble acts of serving one another are an expression of love, and a key ingredient for a strong marriage. 

When wisdom is humble, it lets go of pride so that arguments can be resolved. And when love is humble, it serves the other so that two can grow together as one. 

And that does it for today. Now before you go, we have two discussion questions.

For Thought & Discussion:

Question 1: What is humility (define it in your own terms), and how do you think it helps in marriage?

Question 2: What can we learn from Jesus’ example in washing feet, and how can we apply that to marriage?

Talk through those and remember to read today’s verses to help you answer them. And we’ll meet you back here for more basic ingredients. 

Read Philippians 2:1-7 & John 13:12-17

All verses are quoted from the NIV unless otherwise noted.