Love & RespectSample

C-O-U-P-L-E: Demystify Her Unspoken Needs

Eggerichs makes a brilliant observation. He says, “Women confront to connect. The typical response from a man, however, is that he thinks his wife is confronting to control.” Because women are natural verbal connectors, their “confrontation” is almost always seen as a threat and disrespectful. Women, because of their need to understand things right away, clear away confusion, and stay connected, initially misunderstand and are taken aback by any pauses, time-outs, or anything else resembling the gathering of thoughts. This trait highlights their ability for emotional endurance, their ability to bravely navigate rocky emotional terrain without hesitation, and their desire for peace, though it might not appear to be such a positive on the surface. At the bottom of the misunderstanding, though, is her intention to communicate, “Please love me.” It really is that simple. Ask her!

The acronym C-O-U-P-L-E stands for six truths that, when followed, will energize your wife, thus bringing your marriage into the Energizing Cycle. Even if it feels unnatural to alter your reactions, tone, behavior, and impulses, your efforts will be rewarded. How? By your wife, in turn, energizing you with—wait for it—respect! What a trade-off.

Eggerichs again reassures the husband in conflict who struggles to stay afloat while watching his wife remaining buoyant with apparently a superhuman emotional fluency: “When the ocean of marriage emotions becomes turbulent, a husband can feel as if he is drowning. A wife, on the other hand, stays afloat quite naturally and comfortably.” It is humbling, to say the least, to feel like you aren’t properly trained to swim in the deep waters, but if you use biblical principles alongside the C-O-U-P-L-E guide, you will not only learn to swim but be quite charming while doing so!

Closeness: The physical part is easy, but the real challenge will be the spiritual and emotional connection she craves.

Ways to develop closeness: 

·  Spend time alone together, highlighting non-sexual touch. 

·  Explore her mind with insightful conversations.

·  Plan activities together that are unexpected and novel.

Openness: You’re going to have to practice this one and start talking, sharing . . . all that stuff you know you love!

Ways to develop openness:

·  Pray with her. (This fosters respect in a huge way!)

·  Give her your full attention when talking. (Eye contact is akin to foreplay.)

·  Be proactive and share your feelings without being prompted.

Understanding: She’s not looking for solutions, only a listening, sympathizing ear.

Ways to develop understanding:

·  Validate her feelings by making an effort to identify with them.

·  PMS is real, so back off when you know her low mood is out of her control.

·  Set aside time every day to allow her to “build the rapport by giving the report.”

Peacemaking: Sometimes “I’m sorry” are the two most powerful words in the world.

Ways to develop peace:

·  Don’t get angry when she needs to vent.

·  Understand her desire to compromise and mend.

·  Try to work on a resolution instead of withdrawing indefinitely.

Loyalty: Let her know you’re not going to leave her because of a disagreement. (This fear is real!)

Ways to develop loyalty:

·  Don’t be critical of her in front of the kids or friends.

·  Keep her informed of your plans. (Even when it’s obvious to you, call her anyway.)

·  Don’t have an eye for the ladies. (Women do notice this, however discreet you think you are.)

Esteem: You don’t have to treat her like a Disney princess to show her adoration. 

Ways to develop esteem:

·  Tell her you are proud of her for something she accomplished.

·  Be affectionate with her in public. (This doesn’t take more than a hand resting on her lower back for all of you who fear PDA.)

·  Speak highly of her to others, when she can hear it.

Questions for you and your spouse:

In Song of Solomon 7:6, the bridegroom describes his adoration for his bride: “How beautiful and how delightful you are, my love, with all your charms!” Intentionally declare your love for your wife in the next few days, with a few reasons why she is the love of your life. Notice her reaction. Is she surprised, softened, disbelieving? Keep speaking your love in a direct way from time to time; her heart will change toward you.

Ask yourself if you are being as loyal to your wife as you can be. Are there any behaviors you have that are in the “walking a fine line” category?

What is your go-to tone when you feel attacked or disrespected? If you recorded yourself (video and audio), what would your body language look like? Your facial expressions? The sound of your voice? How would you react to your “tone” if you were on the receiving end? 

Lord, I understand more fully the deep closeness You intend for my marriage. Let peace and loyalty prevail in our daily encounters with one another. Let forgiveness be easily offered and accepted. Most important, I ask You to join with us daily by infusing us with Your spirit of love. Amen.