5 Days to Freedom from Anger in Your MarriageSample

   DAY 4: When Communication Is Broken

Broken communication is a result of broken people. Understanding that opens our hearts to demonstrating grace toward our spouses.  As much as I want to be the best wife I can be, I’m a sinner--and so is my husband. In the early years of our marriage, our angry reactions to conflict turned adversarial or hurtful. They should have been opportunities to learn about one another and grow in grace. Some of the biggest issues relating to poor communication include:

Bottling feelings instead of talking about them

Tone of voice that is angry or rude

Nagging

Ignoring

Passive-aggressive behavior

Being distracted by devices

Making assumptions

Feeling unheard

Not following through on agreements

Arguing to win instead of talking to problem solve

Name calling

Foul language

Texting instead of talking

Hearing but not listening

It’s a long list, but don’t despair, the Bible has all the answers to all our communication triggers.

Matthew 7:12 (ESV) says, “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Notice, the verse does not say we should yell, throw a fit, retreat and sulk, or gossip to others about our husbands or wives. When Guy and I are in the middle of a disagreement, the Holy Spirit often enters my thinking and prompts my heart with this question, “Amber, do you want to win, or do you want love to win?”

A good foundational truth for healthy communication is found in Matthew 15:18 (NIV). The apostle writes, “But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.” As much as we would like to point fingers and focus on how to fix our spouse, the truth of the matter is that we can only change ourselves. This verse reveals to us where broken communication begins: in our own hearts. The things we say, or don’t say, flow from our hearts. Dark heart. Dark words. Kind heart. Kind words. Resentful heart. Resentful words. Godly thinking. Godly communication.

The only way for a heart to be transformed is by committing to reading our Bibles and applying what we read. When relationship triggers jostle us, whatever is in our hearts will spill out. If the Truths of God’s Word, like Matthew 7:12, are deeply rooted in our hearts, then our natural responses turn supernatural. The only way we can breathe life into our spouses is if we are intentionally being transformed by the renewing of our minds through God’s Word. (Romans 12:2, NIV)

A great starting point for couples who have broken communication is to choose a verse or two to focus on and allow God to speak into your marriage with those verses in mind. Write them out and put them on display in your home or on the steering wheel of your car. Set a reminder on your phone with the communication goal you have in mind and the Bible verse you are dwelling on so that it pops up several times a day. We can’t do and say the same old things and expect a different result.

A happy marriage where communication thrives is a reward you can enjoy now, but the messages you send to one another supersede good communication. They convey your willingness to fulfill the eternal purpose of your life, to love God and to love others.

Let’s Pray: Dear Lord, you have given us instructions in Your Word. We are not helpless to know how to talk with one another. My husband/wife and I are not communicating in ways that honor You. We feel stuck! Father, please help us to communicate with loving-kindness. Let our hearts be so in tune with Your heart that our words, body language, tone of voice, and actions demonstrate our desire to communicate effectively. Father, I love my husband/wife. Do a good work in our marriage, opening up our ability to talk with one another in ways that make us stronger, not tearing each other apart. In Jesus’ Name, Amen!