Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, PornographySample

SPOUSE IS INVOLVED WITH CYBERSEX

Among the many confusing new developments introduced into the realm of marriage and human relationships by way of the Internet is something known as “cybersex.” Couples whose lives have been touched by this phenomenon find that it raises several thorny questions. Does a “virtual” affair differ in any significant way from a real-life affair? Or is it on the contrary simply an online version of old-fashioned sexual fantasy? If it can be regarded as bona fide adulterous sexual behavior, does this mean that “cybersex” gives the violated partner biblical grounds for a divorce a la Matthew 5:27-30? These are serious questions for many people, and they deserve serious answers.

Unfortunately, there are no straightforward, cut-and-dried answers to any of these questions. You can see this clearly if you stop and think for a moment about the deeper implications of the problem. Because “virtual reality” is such a new and relatively untested technological phenomenon, it’s difficult to know exactly what it means to different people — how it’s perceived and experienced, physically, mentally, and emotionally, on the individual level. It’s possible that the “reality” of “virtual sex” is largely in the eye of the beholder. Some participants may approach it as a genuine interpersonal encounter with meaningful relational overtones. Others may think of it primarily as a kind of “game” or a high-tech form of masturbation. It’s not easy to categorize these perceptions or sort out their various psychological ramifications.

That doesn’t change the fact that “cybersex,” unlike pornography or masturbation, usually involves another human being. And it’s precisely here that “virtual” sexual activity takes its devotees to a deeper and more troubling level. In some cases, “virtual” technology (for example, the “virtual reality suit”) enables online lovers to live out their passions in a vivid and all-consuming way, stopping just short of the physical act itself. This is not a passive experience. It requires participation and interaction, and to that extent it can’t help but take on a certain “relational” aspect (however superficial and fleeting). In a certain respect, it’s only natural that the word “adultery” should come to mind when one of the parties involved in such an illicit and sexually oriented “relationship” happens to be married.

That ‘s just one reason for suggesting that “cybersex” may be a more serious problem than mere lustful fantasy. There are clinical factors to be taken into account as well. Mental health professionals report that the road to recovery is likely to be much longer and far more complicated for an individual engaged in an ongoing interpersonal cyber-affair than it is for a porn addict. That’s because “relationship” at any level implies a degree of emotional entanglement. When the heart gets drawn into that web, the potential for pathology is inevitably raised. It’s true that many “virtual” sexual encounters are kept strictly anonymous, but when this is not the case — when participants, egged on by the intensity of their feelings, take the next step by exchanging personal information — there is a strong possibility that the affair will eventually take a very real and physical turn indeed. At that point the question of adultery will no longer be merely academic.

As indicated above, this leads to another question. In His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus equates lust in the heart with the act of adultery. In the same passage, He makes allowances for divorce where porneia or extra-marital sex has invaded a marriage relationship. It seems fair to assume that what is true of mental fantasy may be even more directly and urgently applicable in cases of “virtual” activity. It’s this line of reasoning that induces some people to suggest that “cybersex” might be considered legitimate grounds for divorce.

Having acknowledged the logic behind this argument, it’s important to pause and ask a crucial question: Is divorce really the point? Even in situations where a spouse has been caught in bed with a lover, divorce isn’t always the answer. Much depends on the degree to which he or she expresses genuine remorse and demonstrates a sincere willingness to change.

It’s also vital to determine whether a spouse’s involvement with “cybersex” might actually be part of a larger, more all-encompassing pattern of behavior. Again, we’d stress that, if it is part of a bigger syndrome, there are other questions that should be raised before jumping to the conclusion that it’s time to get a divorce. For example, has the marriage been characterized by abuse? Is the abuse so severe that anyone’s personal safety is being compromised? If so, marital separation is probably advisable. But this doesn’t necessarily imply eventual divorce.

If “cybersex” has become a problem in your marriage, you and your spouse should confront it together. Talk about it, pray about it, and seek out the assistance of a professional marriage counselor. Discuss the matter with a trusted friend, pastor, or spiritual advisor. If necessary, arrange for some kind of intervention. Hold the line, keep your dignity, and stay on your knees. And whatever you do, resist the temptation to get caught up in petty arguments about “grounds for divorce.” That will only cloud the real issue.