Relational Reset: 7 Days To Unlearning The Habits That Hold You BackSample

  Forget Fear

When we think we are not enough for another person, when we feel we are lacking something the other person needs or wants, we often try to prove ourselves—to prove we’re worthy of being that person’s spouse or friend. Ironically, even constant reassurance from the other party rarely satisfies the deep-seated fear that you will never measure up. It can be exhausting and frustrating for the other person to repeat what he or she has said to you a million times, like a song on repeat. Not to mention the pressure it places on the people in your life to constantly make sure you’re okay. Don’t get me wrong: relationships should be cultivated so that we see and hear one another. We should feel free to express our fears. But this doesn’t mean that the other person is responsible for how we think or feel. 

The only person responsible for your thoughts and feelings is you—and recognizing this is the first step in fighting this fear. Here’s the thing: while others can trigger your defenses—like your self-defeating thoughts and upsetting feelings—no one else chooses what you think or how you feel. That’s on you. And since you can’t control anyone else, it makes sense that the way to reduce your fear is to learn to control your thoughts.