Parenting With Heart By Stephen James And Chip DoddSample

Day 4

Failure Happens

Romans 5:3-5

When we are able to see and accept our failures and mistakes, we have the opportunity to continue to grow with our children.

Our best parenting moments aren’t when we think they are; they are when we are being ourselves—and we are no less ourselves than when we mess things up. One of the great paradoxes we must come to accept is that we often grow closer to our children in our failures and in their heartaches. 

Imperfect parenting is a gift to you and your children. Not only are your children well supported, nurtured, and loved, but they are also inevitably frustrated by your failures and must adjust to living in a flawed and fallen world. These children come to understand that life may be difficult and disappointing, but they are also more resilient in the face of setbacks and pain. They can continue to hope while living between inevitable grief and real celebration. 

The parent who can see when they fail is in a parent-child relationship that bestows hope. That is the irony. Our sorrow, recognized and handled responsibly, is a statement of our unending love for our children and our hope for our children. If we can’t recognize “I’m doing harm,” our children are hopeless with us. Healthy parents seek forgiveness.

One of the hardest things about life is accepting that we can’t fix the pain we cause other people. They cannot fix the pain they cause us. That is the basis of forgiveness. “I recognize I’ve harmed you, and I can’t fix the pain or repair the damage adequately.” Or, “You have caused this pain in me, and you don’t have the power to heal me.”

We need to live in the practice of giving and receiving forgiveness. We need to do so especially as parents, because it’s a rare day that goes by when we don’t hurt our children or our children don’t hurt us. When we live in the paradox that failure and grace are inextricably linked, we start living on the ground as human beings with other human beings—parent with child.

Take a moment to consider your regrets in regard to your children. Write a letter to them. (You don’t have to give it to them. Just make a start!) It’s never too late to make amends, to ask for forgiveness, to open yourself up to being different.