Living With A Fire Devotional - Jesus CultureSample

Defender - Katie Torwalt

When I recorded the song Defender, it was the first time I’ve ever recorded a song that I didn’t write. It was just one of those songs that came into my life at the perfect time, right when I needed it. In it, I found the language and melodies I was searching for, to sing and declare over my season of life. We had just gotten pregnant for the first time with our baby girl, and though we were so excited to meet her, I was feeling really overwhelmed and struggling with a ton of anxiety about becoming a mom. I had feelings of inadequacy, and became more and more aware of my lack of control, and how much I had to trust and rely on God throughout the process of pregnancy and in this new season of being a first time parent.

What I love about the song lyrics is that it reminds me so much of the language that David used throughout the Psalms. There are moments where he is completely vulnerable about his fears, frustrations, and worries. Then in the next moment or chapter you see again his faith and hope restored. Sometimes it’s after God has come through, but a lot of the time it’s in the middle of the fight when he remembers and reminds himself that God will both fight for him and rescue him.

Psalm 40 is such a beautiful example of this, “I waited patiently for the Lord, He inclined and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.” I always thought of this as an “after the victory” type of verse, a moment where David is remembering God’s faithfulness. And it probably is him remembering one of the many times God came through, but if you read the end of the chapter, where it says “You are my help and my deliverer, do not delay; O my God!” David is actually declaring from the middle of a struggle, where he needs help and deliverance. He had learned to trust God in the process, and I love the beginning statement, it’s like he’s talking to himself, reminding himself of his history with God.

If there’s anything that I’ve learned or am learning through this new season of life in God, it’s that as hard as it seems sometimes, I can trust God. Not just at the end when everything feels great, but in the middle of uncertainty and anxiety, He is faithful to come through. Rarely does it look like how I thought God was going to do it, and many times in my life He’s been working behind the scenes without me realizing it. But God is always in the middle of it, and the best place for me to be is with Him, praising, worshipping, bowing down and staying still in His presence.