Joe's Table: A Place Where Disabilities Become GiftsSample

One of the biggest challenges for a parent of an autistic child is how physically demanding it is. As a result, a mother of an autistic child who has chronic seizures lives with intense muscle pain and chronic weariness. As he grew taller and bigger, I couldn’t stand to watch his fully grown adult body collapsing before my eyes. My powerlessness to help my son gave me agony beyond words.

For a long period of time, to find a cure and to get the right medi­cation, the hospital became the place where we went together most often, besides school. Joseph was always prescribed the maximum dosage, most likely because his epilepsy was so severe. Even if a drug seemed to work initially, it lost its effectiveness after a year or two. The seizures would always return. And I would get more and more weary.

My hus­band, as a thoughtful gesture, suggested we take a family cruise to help our weary family. But even with the beautiful backdrop of the ocean, Joseph still collapsed on the ship’s deck. After this particularly violent seizure ended, it took him a while to calm down and fall asleep. That night I stood alone on the deck and asked out loud, “Oh Lord, where are you?” A flood of agony came over me. It was a pitch-black night. When I looked around, the indigo blue ocean was the only thing that surrounded me. In that moment, a strong impulse to disappear into the dark ocean below came over me. It felt as though something pulled me, and all I wanted to do was let it pull me all the way in.

All of a sudden, as if someone had smacked the back of my head, my mind returned to reality. I left quickly, running to escape death. Lord, please hold me, help me. I repeated this prayer, trembling. After this incident, any time my mind went to that dark place, I would open my mouth and praise God. “What matters where on earth we dwell? On mountain top, or in the dell, In cottage, or a mansion fair, Where Jesus is, ’tis heaven there.” Whenever I sang this hymn, it made me think, Lord, whether Joseph has autism and epilepsy or not, as long as we are with you, everywhere is heaven. Though times were not always easy, I knew God had a plan for everything, and I clung to that fact. God was and is good. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Praise God! 

Gracious God, you know me and love me still. Even when darkness surrounds me, you are there to pull me out. Help me call on you. You will never leave me; please help me trust you in everything. I praise you for turning hardships to blessings. You are a good God. Amen. 

Discover a place where disabilities become gifts in the book Joe’s Table by Dr. Stephanie Chung.