Henry Cloud & John Townsend - Life JourneySample

Handling Manipulation

Samson, the mighty man of physical strength, was helpless to resist the tears of his wife (see Judges 14:16) and the shaming and nagging of his lover (see Judges 16:16). In both instances this strong man fell victim to a controlling person. The lessons from Samson’s life are applicable today.

Like Samson, we are often vulnerable to manipulation by others and end up doing things and making commitments that we may later regret. It helps to understand the nature of manipulation: it is a form of control. Controlling people use guilt to influence others to get what they want. Rather than being direct, they use indirect methods. And it often works because no one enjoys feeling that they are making another person unhappy. The problem, however, is that manipulative people do not own, or take responsibility for, their desires and wishes. And the person being manipulated is not making a free choice either.

The best approach to dealing with guilt messages from others is to know that they are attempting to control us emotionally and then be direct in our conversations (see Ephesians 4:25). We need to be clear about what we are willing to do and what we are not willing to do. We need to set clear boundaries so that controlling people will take responsibility for their own disappointments. Those who take responsibility for their own limits, allowing others to sometimes be disappointed, are setting clear boundaries. When we take responsibility for others’ feelings, we are crossing over their boundaries.