Just Breathe: Hope And Help For Those Drowning In The Pain Of AddictionSample

Make Amends Part 2

There is another kind of amends that is important and powerful: learning to forgive those who have hurt you. I can’t tell you the number of horror stories I’ve heard from people in my recovery world life. Every one of them, including my own, points to some kind of relational breakdown. 

I used to say, “But they owe me! My parents hurt me bad; they owe me! Those kids at school owe me! My brother owes me! That old girlfriend owes me! That ex-spouse owes me! If I let them off the hook, it just wouldn’t be fair ... they need to pay!” 

Then I read Colossians 3:13, which says that we owed God. He didn’t give us “fair.” He gave us his Son, and he paid the debt that our sins had racked up. So I “must” forgive others. I have to make amends.

But our human nature rears its ugly head, and we cry out for justice, for retribution. We get an adrenaline rush watching those movies where the really evil guy gets a payback. We are easily deceived into thinking that true release, real freedom, lies in revenge. It’s a lie that our enemy feeds us. And it’s a lie that keeps us from getting well. 

In fact, if you would do a “cost/benefit analysis” of bitterness, you would find that there is enormous cost and zero benefit. It wrecks you physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  It’s been my experience—and research backs up this assertion—a lot of people are sick or stay sick because of unresolved bitterness in their lives. It’s not so much what you eat but what eats you that will kill you. 

I’ve watched way too many people who refuse to let go of relational scars and wounds. They won’t give up their right to get even. They can’t let go of the past. And bitterness literally eats them alive. That’s a lousy way to live and die. 

So, how do you do extend forgiveness to those who have hurt you, especially if they didn’t ask? Start by inviting God to be involved. Grab a pen and some paper and you write down a prayer that might go something like this: “God, I want to thank you for your incredible kindness, patience, and grace toward me. I admit that I haven’t shown the same kind of grace toward those who have hurt me; instead, I have held onto my bitterness, my anger, my thirst for revenge, for way too long. So, I’m asking for your help right now. Please bring to mind all the people I need to forgive, so that I can do this right now.”