Marriage Goals - Winning in CommunicationSample

The Approach Matters - “On the Attack”

Do you ever feel an argument begin to spiral out of control as you both overtalk each other and yet demand the other person listens? This obviously doesn’t work. It all starts with changing our approach. What if we entered an argument less like a lawyer trying to win a case, and more like a best friend looking to understand the heart of our favorite person in the world.

And just to be clear, when I say 'we', I mean you. Not them. God will work on their responses as you lead the way in obedience and humility.

Proverbs 10:19 is a verse we can’t avoid when it comes to communication. It says that “In the multitude of words, sin is not lacking.” In other words, the more you talk the more opportunity you give the enemy to get a foothold. My favorite version of this verse says it like this: “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.” Ouch!

Practical tip:This verse is meant to be lived by example; not thrown in their face in the heat of an argument because you are done listening or don't like what they have to say.

Maybe like me, you need to pray more about your approach instead of focusing on your perspective before entering the conversation. If we stay conscious of the “tone + speed” at which we talk, we may avoid much of the hurt and chaos arguments cause. When we talk and respond a bit slower, and even make an effort to lower the volume of our delivery, our spouse might actually receive what we are attempting to say and not feel like they are being attacked.

Another practical way to avoid being ‘on the attack’ is to limit the list of things you bring up in one setting. Are you storing up 10 things they’ve done wrong the past couple of weeks and unleashing it on them as they walk in the door? Timing matters.

Practical Tip: Consider this. What are you trying to accomplish by bringing these things up? Do you want an apology? Do you need them to understand how it puts you out? Give them clarity to why you are bringing up the issue and keep it as simple as you can.

Daily Action Step: The next time you go to confront your spouse on something, take 5 minutes alone in prayer and prepare your heart to engage softly & slowly. Ask if it's a good time to share with them something that's been bothering you; make sure you don't summarize or exaggerate, and try to stay calm. You can do this!