The Rhythm of UsSample

The Rhythm of Speaking Life

Think of the couples you admire most in your life. We’ve noticed repeatedly that any thriving couple who has made it together over the long haul has this incredible way of talking about each other, with a deep sense of admiration and respect. Take it to the bank. This foundational sense of deep respect must be present for a couple to thrive. Even in moments of conflict and frustration, there’s still an underlying sense of appreciation to lean on that keeps the couple strong.

It’s so important in a marriage to be able to respect each other as people. One of the things that sealed the deal for me with Chris, even when we were just friends, was how respected I felt by him. He just had this way of always noticing the absolute best in me and holding it up for the world to see. Things that I couldn’t even see in myself. The words we speak to each other create the culture between us. If the environment of our relationship is filled with words of criticism and contempt, no amount of romantic gestures will make a dent in the difference, but we hold the power to change the environment of our relationship simply by changing our words.

1. Affirm the Good

So, what are some practical ways we can begin to grow in this rhythm? Here’s the easiest place to begin: When you think of something nice, say it out loud. I know this sounds very simple, but it’s often the simplest things that can make the biggest difference.

I realize this practice will be easier for some than for others. When we first married, this rhythm of speaking life did not come naturally to me. Over time, however, as I saw how important it was to Chris and how easy it was for him to affirm those around him, this rhythm began to rub off on me. Just like everything else in life worth pursuing, speaking life takes practice. Give yourself plenty of grace and time, but just begin. When you think of something nice, say it out loud. Awkward as it may be at first, just give it a try, and then another, and another. Over time, your spouse will begin to hold their head higher and even grow stronger in the areas you take the time to intentionally acknowledge and affirm.

2. Affirm the Gift

We can take speaking words of life to a whole new level when we pray for eyes to notice and name the gifts and callings God has given our spouse. No one knows them better than you do, and no one’s opinion matters more than yours. We both entered our marriage as whole people with dreams, gifts, and abilities. Part of a healthy, thriving marriage is acknowledging, nurturing, and prioritizing our spouse’s gifts and our own. Look for those seeds of talent, ability, and passion; water them with your words, and watch them begin to blossom over time.

If he’s really good at photography, affirm that gift you recognize in him, and then help him get a website or a portfolio. Maybe she comes alive when she’s writing. Surprise her with a few hours all to herself at her favorite coffee shop to dream and write. The sky is the limit. When we get the opportunity to see someone we love doing what they love, we fall in love with them all over again.

3. Affirm the Truth

Thriving couples know who their spouse truly is, and they will always question the circumstances contributing to their spouse’s behavior before they question the character of their spouse. When life tries to pull us away from the person God’s called us to be, we can remind each other of our true identity in Christ. Thriving couples speak the truth in love.

One of my favorite Scripture verses is 1 Corinthians 5:7: “Get rid of the old yeast, so that you may be a new unleavened batch—as you really are.” As you really are. It’s easy to size ourselves and others up by the total sum of our faults, but the truth is, that’s not who we really are. According to God’s Word, if we are in Christ, we have been made new—not because of how perfectly we behaved today, but because of His sacrifice that covers us. So the old me, though she may show up from time to time, is not who I really am. I have been given a brand new identity in Christ. I am covered by the sacrifice of my Savior and made new in Him. What a gift, when my spouse, the most powerful voice in my life, can be the one to remind me.

Give it a try. Watch what God will do. Sometimes all it takes is one word of love to reverse the cycle of unkindness. You could be the one to change it all. And right there, the healing can begin from one moment of kindness.

Practice:

1. Spend some time with the Lord this week, asking Him to align the way you see your spouse to the way He does and to help you treat your spouse accordingly.
2. Praise them in public this week (in front of actual humans, not on social media). Find something you genuinely admire in them, and then affirm it in a sincere way in front of your friends or family. Watch them lift their head a little higher.
3. What is your spouse good at? What causes their eyes to light up when they talk about it? Acknowledge it this week. Find a tangible way to make space for them to grow in it.
4. Is there an area of conflict with your spouse where you find yourself continually tempted to speak harshly? What would it look like for you to speak openly and honestly about how you feel without accusing, belittling, or devaluing them as a child of God?