Marriage on the Edge Sample

Expectations on the Edge

Expectations are unavoidable. I expect the sun to rise and set every day. I expect to experience the four seasons every year where I live. Those expectations are based on reality and life experience. They are rooted in God’s plan. “Then God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light. And God saw the light and it was good,” Genesis 1:3. Unless something pretty drastic happens, they will continue to happen day after day, year after year.

We all have expectations. Some of them we are aware of, others we are not. So let’s break expectations into categories:

First, realistic expectations. Realistic expectations can differ. The key is that you both agree on them and see them as realistic. Paul says in Philippians 4:19, “And the same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” If I look to God to supply all my needs, what does that do to the expectations that I have for my wife, Nancy? First, it keeps me looking to the only One who can supply all my needs and second, it makes it a whole lot easier for my expectations of Nancy to be realistic.

Second, unrealistic expectations. If Nancy expects me to make a million dollars every year, that is unrealistic. If I expect to have sex two times a day every day, that is unrealistic. Unrealistic expectations usually benefit one partner and hinder the other. They are not good for marriage. Yet, people have them and get mad when their spouse does not meet them.

Third, unspoken expectations. These seem fine until someone unknowingly fails to meet them. If Nancy expects me to drop the cleaning off at the cleaners each Monday morning on my way to the office, but never tells me this expectation, what do you think will happen? I won’t meet her expectations.

We all have expectations of our spouse and our marriage. Today’s verse from Proverbs 3 reminds us that to find wisdom and understanding is to be blessed. The Proverbs speak of wisdom and understanding as a treasure and a valuable asset. Unpacking our expectations in marriage is a wise step that can help us grow in self-awareness and alleviate marital strife.

Every expectation needs to be talked about to see if it is realistic for both of you. Some of them may be realistic but not not agreed on by you both. If it is realistic and you both agree to it, then you both have a responsibility to fulfill it. If it is unrealistic, find an alternative or compromise that would work for both. If not, take it off the table. Keeping expectations clear and agreed upon is a way to be kind to your spouse and to set your marriage up for success.

Next Steps:

• Each of you separately write down every expectation that you have of your spouse. Ask for God’s help so you do not forget anything.
• As you look at your list, put an “R” by every expectation that you think is realistic and a “U” by each one that you think is unrealistic.
• Now share your lists with each other. Take turns. Listen well. Be kind.
• Work on coming to an agreement on the realistic expectations for each other.
• If you want to take it a step farther, share the unrealistic expectations on your list and ask your spouse for forgiveness.