The Flirtation Experiment: Putting Magic, Mystery, and Spark Into Your Everyday MarriageSample

The Connection Experiment

Lisa

I’m not clear exactly how it happened, but slowly, over the last year or more, Matt and I fell out of our heathier evening habits of reading books and turning in relatively early. This wasn’t intentional; we just found ourselves so worn out and weary after we’d said our last goodnight to the kids that the only thing we were good for was watching a show or two (or five!) before switching off the lights.

“But, hey, we watch them together,” we’d say to make ourselves feel better about this less-than-optimal routine. “Nothing wrong with a little veg-out,” we’d add as he grabbed his computer and found the spot we’d left off in our latest series.

And it’s true. I don’t believe there’s anything inherently “wrong” with watching an entertaining show to unwind from time to time. But what had started as a small escape slowly became an hours-long nightly ritual for us. We were too tired to talk, too burned out to open a book. We just wanted to turn off our minds and turn on the screen.

But our evening binge wasn’t as harmless as we first believed because I found myself missing our end-of-the day conversations. Yes, we were both enjoying the same shows, but this kind of entertainment is hardly a satisfying substitution for heart connection. Yet what do you do when the day is done and you still have a couple of hours to kill before it’s legit to hit the lights?

That’s what kept me awake one night, well after we’d kissed good-night. I tried to think back to before—back to when we’d begun our now nightly routine. What did we use to do? Matt and I both enjoy reading, so that was something we’d turn to—and share with each other—after our kids had gone upstairs. But currently? We still like to read, but we can’t seem to keep our eyes open past a page or two.

All right, then what else? And that’s when it came to me. Games. We both grew up playing cards and board games. And so it was only natural for us to do the same after we were married. People seemed puzzled when we told them we’d packed Boggle (a fast-paced word game) for the Maui portion of our honeymoon. We played for hours on the balcony overlooking those white sand beaches. Crazy and a little competitive, but we loved it—and each other.

The morning following my sleepless night, I walked upstairs to search the game closet and, sure enough, found the Super Scrabble game. While this had never been my favorite game (it moves too slowly, and besides, Matt always wins), it seemed like the right choice for now.

That night after dinner, I suggested, “How about a rousing game of Scrabble?” He nodded, and we dusted off the box and started setting up the tiles. Only a few minutes later and we were back in the groove, playing the game for nearly two hours.

We laughed. We playfully argued. We debated over what counted as a “real” word (did you know that aw is in The Official SCRABBLE Players Dictionary and is worth five points?). We groaned when six of the seven tiles turned out to be vowels. And I let out a small shriek when he took over my triple word score with glaze (seventeen points multiplied by three!).

He won the game, just like old times. But somehow I didn’t mind so much.

I loved that we went to bed with a fresh connection we hadn’t felt in a while. Much of the richness of married life is found in the everyday routines of two hearts purposing to draw near to each other. But the years have revealed something that was not immediately apparent to me as a younger wife; I’ve discovered that it’s often the woman who strongly pursues that “drawing near,” proactively suggesting positive ways to connect.

Do you feel that yearning in your heart? We are women, uniquely created by God. It’s only natural that we’d want this level of connection because God in his creative wisdom and gracious goodness chose to place this desire in our hearts. It is how we were made, right from the very beginning. When the desire for deep connection fills your thoughts, you are experiencing the authentic reality of how God designed you:

Then the man said,

“This at last is the bone of my bones 

and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called Woman, 

because she was taken out of Man.”

—Genesis 2:23

Adam, the first man (ish), awakened to discover this beautiful woman (isshah— “out of man”) who was made from his very substance— from a portion of his body, removed from his side and fashioned into his wife by the hand of God.

Everything about this momentous meeting shouted connection—linguistically, physically, and spiritually. These two were “one flesh” (2:24); two people, so close in every way that they were also one single entity.

Is it any wonder that you look at that man across the room—your man—and desire a deeper connection?

If you’re needing more connection, don’t hesitate. Be enthusiastic and purposeful in taking that step. Don’t wait for your husband to act, and don’t wait until everything “clicks” back on its own (it won’t); just do it.

Nowhere in the Bible are you told to be passive. You have no reason not to act, and there’s no wisdom in waiting to initiate your desire for connection with him.

Respond

Describe the time in your marriage when you felt the strongest connection to your husband.

What are the things, places, or times that help you feel connected to him?

Prayer 

Lord, You created us for relationship. Help me connect more deeply with my husband.