Thrive: Building Stronger Marriages . . . TogetherSample

Communication

Why is communication in marriage so difficult? 

Good communication doesn’t come naturally for most of us. Many of us grew up in families that didn’t communicate well and, as we learned, our families shape us in big ways.

The key to good communication is being intentional. What’s most important is that you reflect Christ in your communication with each other. 

Learning to communicate better won’t happen overnight. Reflecting Christ in our communication involves breaking bad habits and creating new ones—especially when it comes to difficult conversations. It will require patience and perseverance. 

To communicate more effectively, you need to become aware of how each of you communicates because spouses often have different communication styles. Some think carefully before speaking, while others can’t think without speaking. Some need time to process, while others are quick and decisive. Even if you and your spouse are on opposite ends of the communication spectrum, it’s important to remember that you don’t need to “fix” your spouse’s differences. It’s more helpful to learn to appreciate and value those differences. 

God designed your differences to be complementary, not points of conflict. Identifying your unique communication styles helps you avoid miscommunication and goes a long way in creating a thriving marriage.

Ask God for help— especially before you begin an important conversation. Praying humbly before you talk not only enlists God’s help but also moves you to listen more closely and be slower to speak. 

When you listen well, you communicate that you value your spouse and that they are important to you—more important than the TV, the kids, or your phone. To listen well, focus on what your spouse is saying without thinking about how you’ll respond. 

Communication is a two-way street. Today’s verse from James 1 says we should be slow to speak; it doesn’t say we should bottle up our thoughts and emotions. The times and the ways you choose to express yourself make all the difference. If you mostly communicate during times of conflict, your spouse isn’t likely to receive your views well. But if you learn to talk about what you’re feeling when you’re not in conflict—when your spouse feels that you have their best interests at heart—your words will go deeper. 

Paul talks about “speaking the truth in love.” Sometimes we hold back what we think or feel in an effort to be loving. At other times, we offer the truth bluntly and without regard for our spouses’ feelings. Healthy assertiveness means choosing the right time and blending love and truth as we speak.