Let Go of the Guilt: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Take Back Your JoySample

 Choosing Joy

Why would we feel guilty when we haven’t actually done anything wrong and we aren’t responsible for causing harm? Perhaps because happiness is a risk and guilt is safe. Happiness requires courage. It requires effort. It takes tenacity and perseverance. It takes hope. But hopes can be dashed. Disappointment is always a possibility. As a result, we may bring some negative emotion into our lives to cope. We pray to be happy and blessed, but at the same time we worry about asking for too much and let fear snatch the rug from beneath us. Often that worry is replaced with guilt. 

A mindset of guilt can come from a religious perspective that we must earn our way into heaven by always doing right, and that it is our job as humans to suffer a bit. So we use guilt and fear to manufacture a little bit of pain to put alongside our happiness hoping to avoid angering God. When the choices that could lead to more happiness get tangled up in our false guilt, it complicates matters—we feel that the desire to be happy is somehow selfish, unfair, or unspiritual.

If happiness is a risk, then unhappiness is safe. The safety of unhappiness isn’t actually safety—it’s the feeling of safety. To be happy, you may have to set boundaries and do the hard work of evaluating, learning, and forgiving yourself. These actions feel risky, but to be happy you’ll need to take them. Romans 15:13 tells us that as we trust in God, He will fill us with peace and joy. Pause and ask God for wisdom and the courage to be completely honest with yourself. Ask God to show you the root of whatever fear or obstacle holds you in a place of guilt and ask Him to show you what it would look like to feel joy in the situation you are facing. 

There is a long list of reasons women feel more guilty than men, not the least of which are the relentless expectations that tell us who we should be and how we should be. Women are particularly prone to guilt because we are more “other-focused,” our range of emotions is more complex, and we tend to be more empathetic. Add to that a tendency for perfectionism, self-blame, worry, increased expectations, and a lack of support by secular and church culture and you get excessive guilt. 

As women recognize these factors, we can make choices that push us toward joy and away from false guilt. The habit of feeling bad and feeling guilty can become a norm that is addictive because it feels safe. You can break out of this habit by exchanging thoughts of guilt for permission to be happy and joyful. The power of the Holy Spirit is available to help you do this. You don’t have to be one of the guilt-prone women who carries false guilt alongside her. You can be a woman who unapologetically avoids guilt trips and false guilt. If you choose to do that, you’ll be a light to women still bound by the expectations and values that may not be their own.

Respond

How has guilt kept you from growing spiritually, personally, or professionally?

What boundaries do you need to set to help you find joy and happiness? 

How can positive responses to feelings of false guilt impact your relationship with God and with others?