Infidelity: Biblical/Practical QuestionsSample

UNSURE WHETHER TO CONFESS AN AFFAIR TO SPOUSE Nobody is perfect. Everyone is susceptible to temptation. “We all stumble in many ways,” writes the apostle James (James 3:2). And when we do, it’s all too easy to compound the problem by covering things up in an attempt to maintain a “perfect” Christian image. At such moments it’s vital to remember the value of honest confession; as James says later in his epistle, “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16). This principle is especially applicable in cases of marital infidelity. If you’ve fallen into a secret affair, seen the error of your ways, and put an end to the illicit liaison, you may be wondering whether it’s a good idea to tell your spouse about it (assuming he or she doesn’t already know). You may think that it’s better to forget the whole thing and move on with your life. Perhaps you’ve even convinced yourself that sweeping it under the rug is the kinder and more loving thing to do. “After all,” you may say, “what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him. Why risk destroying our marriage by bringing it up?” If this is your situation and your way of looking at it, you need to think again. If you’ve been unfaithful, not only should you tell your spouse about it — you must if you want your marriage to grow and move forward in a positive direction. The damage has already been done. Now it’s a question of finding some way to heal the hurt and restore the quality of the relationship. How healthy a marriage do you want? — that’s the issue now. You can’t have real intimacy as long as you’re keeping secrets. The truth may be painful, but it’s also therapeutic. Secrets, on the other hand, are always destructive. There’s a reason James exhorts us to confess our sins. It’s the only way to regain balance and prevent further destruction. That’s not to say that you should blunder into a hasty or careless confession. Quite the contrary. You need to begin by praying about the situation and giving it some careful thought. It’s also critical to check your motives and to ask yourself why you are making this confession before revealing what has happened. The truth is, there can be any number of selfish reasons for confessing an affair, including manipulation, or an attempt to blame and shame your spouse for “having pushed you into the affair.” Or it may be the weight of your own guilt and a desire to relieve and shift your burden onto your spouse’s shoulders. In the end, there’s only one legitimate motive for confessing the affair, and that is because you love your spouse, you are truly sorry for what you’ve done, and you want to save your marriage. It’s vital to get all this straight in your mind and resolved in your heart before you open your mouth. You may also need to consider your spouse’s state of mind before moving ahead. Does he or she struggle with depression? Are there any serious emotional or mental health disorders present? Is there a tendency to become irrationally angry or violent? In some cases of this nature a confession like the one you’re planning to make could have the effect of pushing an unstable individual over the edge. In the interests of safety, you will want to eliminate the potential for any such reaction before implementing your plan. Finally, there’s an important sense in which your affair is only the tip of the iceberg. It’s the final step in a hundred-step journey — a symptom rather than the actual disease. If your marriage is to survive and thrive, you’re going to have to get to the heart of the problem and figure out exactly how and why you reached the point of becoming vulnerable to this kind of temptation. What part of your relationship with your spouse had to die in order to make this possible? What were the incremental steps leading to its demise? How can it be revived? The only way to find answers to these questions is to start talking — preferably with the help of a trained marriage therapist — and keep talking until all the relevant issues have been brought out into the light and dealt with effectively.