Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, PornographySample

PORNOGRAPHY: GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE?

Have you made the painful discovery that your spouse is involved with pornography? If so, there’s no reason to jump to the conclusion that divorce is the only way out. Some Christian men and women have felt compelled to make this connection on the basis of Matthew 5:27 and 28, where Jesus tells us that to look with lust is to commit adultery in one’s heart, and Matthew 5:32, where He suggests that infidelity can be viewed as legitimate grounds for divorce. But the logic behind this argument isn’t necessarily watertight.

It’s crucial to remember that Jesus, in this passage of the Sermon on the Mount, is speaking primarily in spiritual terms. He’s talking about our accountability in the eyes of God. He’s attempting to show pharisaical legalists that the literal keeping of the law will not necessarily justify them, since, from heaven’s perspective, it’s the condition of the heart that matters.

It’s perfectly appropriate to examine ourselves in light of this heavenly perspective. But we can run into problems if we start judging other people according to this standard or try to make it the basis of a social or legal code. Consider Christ’s statements about murder in Matthew 5:21 and 22. It’s true that murder begins in the heart and that all of us who think hurtful thoughts about our neighbors are guilty in the eyes of God. But does this mean that we ought to arrest people, put them on Death Row, and even execute them for getting angry? Clearly not. The same observation applies to the idea of using heart-lust and porn addiction as “legitimate grounds for divorce.”

But enough of this theological talk. If your spouse is really addicted to pornography, you need to find some serious help right away. The first step is to realize that porn is powerful primarily because it offers a counterfeit form of intimacy and attachment. In some cases, it can also be part of a larger syndrome of relational dysfunction or a symptom of deeper-lying marital issues. It’s important to bear these things in mind when seeking to help a loved one who has fallen prey to sexual addiction of any kind.

As previously mentioned, if the porn addiction is an element of a larger, more all-encompassing pattern of behavior, it’s crucial to ask yourself if that pattern includes abuse. If so, and if the abuse so severe that you feel as if your personal safety (and that of your children, if you have any) is being compromised, it would probably be advisable to separate from your spouse as soon as possible. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to start thinking in terms of divorce.

Bottom line: divorce should never be a couple’s first option in the face of marital difficulties. It should always be regarded as the last resort. Porn addiction is a serious problem, but it isn’t necessarily the end of the line. This is especially true in the case of husbands and wives who are willing to do the hard work required to save their relationship. If you’re dealing with porn addiction in any form, look to the Lord for answers and hold on to hope. It would also be a good idea for you and your spouse to enlist the support of a trusted friend or mentor and to seek professional counseling together. Effective help is available to anyone who is willing to do the legwork of investigating the options.