Help For A Hurting MarriageSample

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman

The Silent Partner

Katelyn was a free-spirited, laughing, loving and caring person. But in my office, she was not laughing. Tears long held inside were cascading down her normally cheerful face. “Chris won’t talk to me,” she said. “I mean, he really won’t talk to me. It’s tearing me up inside.”

There are many reason why some spouses become uncommunicative. Their unwillingness to share verbally finds its root in what is going on inside of them. Often it is unmet needs in the marital relationship that have sparked resentment in the spirit of the silent spouse. His silence is a way of expressing this resentment. It is her way of saying, “I don’t like you so I will treat you as a nonperson.”

I don’t mean that the silent partner is consciously thinking these thoughts; I mean these are the inner emotional reasons why he or she is not talking. If you can discover the emotions inside your uncommunicative spouse and the factors that give rise to these emotions, you will be well on your way to helping your spouse break his or her silence.

The spouse who seeks to be an agent of positive change in his or her marriage would do well to ask this question: “Does my spouse have an unmet emotional need that may be causing him to resent me?” 

A positive answer to this question may uncover your spouse’s unmet needs and thus the source of his or her silence. Your challenge will be to find a way to help your spouse meet that emotional need and at the same time maintain your own integrity and get your own emotional needs met.

Another way to become an agent for change is to ask yourself: Does my communication pattern make it difficult for my spouse to talk? Negative communication patterns can silence a spouse. The solution is to change those patterns. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine whether your conversation with your spouse are negative. Answer each one honestly with a yes or a no.

Do I often come across as complaining?

When my spouse talks, do I cut him off and give my responses?

Do I force the issue of communication with my spouse, even in those times when she needs to be alone?

Do I broadcast our private conversations to others?

Do I openly share my own needs and desires as demands rather than requests?

When my spouse shares an opinion that differs from mine, am I quick to “set him straight”?

If you can answer yes to any of these questions, it may be time for you to change a negative communication pattern. Changing these patterns may be difficult, but it is the way toward loosening the tongue of your uncommunicative spouse. 

One of the best ways to do this is to develop the art of listening. If you exhibit the sincere desire to understand your spouse through listening, you will enhance the climate of open communication. There are many ways you can communicate “I care about what you say” just by listening. Give your spouse your undivided attention when he or she is talking; maintain eye contact when possible; turn off the TV; lay down the book (or Facebook) and give your mate your focused attention. All these actions communicate “Your words matter to me.” 

To receive your spouse’s ideas as information rather than as an opinion that you must correct creates an atmosphere of acceptance. This doesn’t mean that you agree with all of those ideas; it simply means that you give your spouse the freedom to hold those ideas. 

Learning to control your anger and to hear your spouse out also enhances communication. Loud, angry outbursts almost always stop the flow of communication. Practice “reflective listening,” reflecting back your spouse’s words in your own words. “Are you saying . . .” and “What I hear you saying is . . .” are phrases that help your spouse clarify what he or she is saying. At times, indicate your understanding of the message: “I think I understand . . . I see what you’re saying . . . That makes a lot of sense.” Such statements tend to keep your spouse talking. All of us are more likely to communicate our inner thoughts and feelings if we believe that someone genuinely wants to hear what we want to say and will not condemn us.

REACT: Whether a relationship is healthy or strained, it’s a good idea to examine our own patterns of communication and note areas that need change. Did you answer yes to any of the six questions above? How can you change a communication pattern? Above all, be sure to communicate with the Lord, the one who knows you and your spouse best, the one who invites you to speak to Him in prayer: “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests” (Ephesians 6:18).