Lavender Hair: Devotions For Women With Breast CancerSample

Waiting Room: I’m Just a Statistic

I am whisked into the inner sanctum of the walk-in clinic, and I apologize about my gym clothes. I tell the male nurse about my cough. He starts scribbling something, and then I casually mention, “I have this numb spot near my underarm. I don’t know if it’s related. Maybe it’s my twenty-five-year-old silicone breast implant leaking or a lymph gland fighting this cough? Might as well ask since I’m here.” 

The male nurse touches the spot and says, “You have to go to the breast clinic immediately.” 

“You feel a lump? I don’t feel a lump.” 

He looks serious, hands me a paper, and says, “This is where my wife goes.” 

Goes? 

I’m sitting in the lobby at the Vanderbilt Breast Clinic waiting to be examined for a second time. Didn’t look good the first time. I glance around. There are two old men waiting for their wives and many husband-less middle-aged women who look just like me. Lumpy. Albeit worn out. Serious-faced. This isn’t an Auburn University theatre major party. Hmph. I have tried very hard to be healthy (gymnastics and salad), to be special, have a fun life, or a bedazzled one. But, I’m just a statistic. I’m a big old fat cliché. 

I try to be nonchalant. But death is looming. I can feel it. 

God will know how to shake off this icky feeling. I ask God to speak to me as I shuffle through my Bible. This verse pops out: “Hope in God” (Psalm 43:5). It spins into a ukulele ditty. And, my heart feels happy. 

My name is called, and I bounce into the private inner lobby. The intense focus of staving off fear perme­ates the room. No one makes eye contact, speaks, or acknowledges each other. 

I do not like this moment. It is so icky that it’s almost funny. It looks like the set of an SNL comedy sketch. I expect something funny to happen, because the setup is so serious. I feel fear too, but strangely, I also feel happy inside. Hope in God. I am on an adventure with God. I don’t know what this journey will look like, but I know the end is swell. I’ll be with Him. And, He owns the universe. I’m writing a song about Him in my head. I love when that happens. 

“For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21 ESV) pops into my mind. I have heard, read, written, memorized, spoken, and sung that verse all my life. Now, I am living it.

Tip: Early detection is the best cure. One out of eight women get breast cancer. I had seven friends who didn’t have breast cancer. Uh oh. And, most breast cancer patients have no genetic link.