Day 2: “What do I bring with me into my marriage?”

Today’s soul question is, “What do I bring with me into my marriage?” and our focus is on personal responsibility.

When you consider that question, take a moment and reflect. We’re not talking about old furniture passed down from Grandma, the amount of equity in our home, or even the in-laws. The real question here is an inquiry about what we brought on the inside.

As we journey through life, we pick up things along the way. All of our negative and positive experiences get stored in little places inside of us and sometimes call the shots without us knowing. You can think of these as “stories” or even “strategies.”

For example, you may have experienced a rough childhood, so when in conflict, your instinct is to be defensive because you’re actually scared to “be in trouble.” The last time you were in trouble, you were sent away to your room and left there for a little too long. You would rather be defensive than be alone, so your default response in conflict is to be defensive rather than humble.

Another example may be that one of your past relationships ended because of a betrayal, so your tendency is to distrust your spouse because you're scared to be hurt so deeply again. And, because you may not have processed that event fully, you disconnect from your spouse when you become so close because the last time you got so close, it brought you deep pain.

The key shift here is to realize what you brought into the marriage. The good news is that God wants to heal you and make you whole, and He will do this in many ways throughout your life. One of the most powerful ways He will heal you is, yes, you guessed it, through your marriage.

Paul writes to the Church in Galatia in Galatians 6, “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.”

Paul brilliantly articulates one of the most incredible parts of marriage here. When our spouse is struggling, we come alongside them and restore them gently, and we also allow our spouse to test their own actions and carry their own load.

This balance of empowering, supporting, and encouraging our spouses while allowing them to take responsibility is one of the greatest pictures of true love we have.

Action Item: Grab a pen and something to write on, and consider 1 or 2 of the most common conflicts you experience with your spouse. Write those down, and beside each one, answer these questions, “What do I bring with me into our marriage that enables this conflict? How can I ask God to heal me so this conflict can be resolved?”