Day 5: Healthy disagreement (Part 1)

When we love other people, that doesn’t mean we always agree with them. We can love our spouses, yet disagree on how best to raise our children. We can love our neighbors, while disagreeing on appropriate paint colors or types of landscaping. And we can love friends and strangers, despite a difference in our political stances. It is not wrong or unhealthy to disagree. In fact, healthy disagreement can lead to the betterment of everyone involved. But disagreement and conflict can be dangerous when not handled appropriately.

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

Two requirements: Love and humility

It is important to note a couple of distinguishing factors between healthy and unhealthy disagreement. The first we’ve already discussed: love. This isn’t an “I want to be your best friend” type of love. It’s a love founded in an “I see your value and worth as a human being” mindset. This is critical when we enter into periods of active disagreement. When we engage in conflict without this mutual respect and love for one another, we begin to turn our attacks toward a person’s identity, rather than toward their beliefs. Instead of critiquing the value of a particular stance, we critique the value of the person taking the stance. This diminishes the clarity of our viewpoint and can cause long-lasting relational harm. The people with whom we disagree must always be confident that we still love them, regardless of their viewpoint. 

If we decide who we are willing to have a relationship with on the basis of whether we judge them as right or wrong, we’re practicing the wrong set of priorities. 

God calls us to love and unity, all the while recognizing that we may never reach a sense of uniformity.

Healthy disagreement allows for honesty without diminishing another person’s value and worth. 

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29

The second factor that distinguishes healthy and unhealthy disagreement is humility. Tim Keller describes humility in this way: “The thing we would remember from meeting a truly gospel-humble person is how much they seemed to be totally interested in us. Because the essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less.”

We’ve all been around people who lack this quality. It’s readily apparent when someone is only concerned about their own interests and opinions. In order to have truly healthy disagreements, we must be willing to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. We must be able to truly care about others and their perspective.

When we enter a disagreement with humility, it allows us to see a different perspective. It makes space to learn, change, and grow. Without humility, any disagreement into which we enter is already flawed, most likely fruitless, and potentially destructive. 

“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2

The inner work

So how do we walk in love and humility? How do we humbly enter into disagreement? It begins with a willingness to examine our hearts, allowing God to reveal areas that may not be aligned with his. 

See these words from Jesus: 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” Matthew 7:1–5

These are strong words. Yet how often do we quickly point out the flaws in others without having an honest examination of ourselves? What would it look like to examine our own beliefs before telling others where their beliefs fall short? What would it look like to be honest with ourselves and others about the mistakes our political party has made, before picking apart the shortcomings of our “opponents”?

PRACTICE

“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For ‘Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it.’” 1 Peter 3:8–11

1. Ask God to give you a loving and humble heart.
2. Reflect on your own need for grace and forgiveness. Where have you needed a second chance?
3. Reflect on where your own political party does not align perfectly with the kingdom of God. Where could they be better?
4. Reflect on someone with whom you have had a conflict recently or currently. Bring the situation before God. Ask him to show you his perspective and increase your love for that person.