The Trailblazing Womenಮಾದರಿ

Most kids who grow up as a pastor’s kid don’t love it but I was the exception; I absolutely loved being a pastor’s kid. I was so proud of the work my parents were doing for the church and my family played such a large role in shaping my identity. Given all of this, never in a million years did I think my parents would separate.

When I was in the seventh grade, my parents sat my brother and I down and told us with tears in their eyes that they would be getting a divorce. My heart was completely shattered. Not only was I disappointed in them, I also felt so let down by God. I had so many questions and emotions I was trying to deal with, but had no idea how to express. I am grateful for my grandparents who were there to talk to during that time. One story my grandmother shared with me was about a woman named Hannah.

She, along with another woman named Penninah, were both married to a man named Elkanah. Penninah had children, but Hannah did not. We're told when Elkanah went to make offerings, he would give a double portion for Hannah because he loved her so much, but Hannah was always threatened by Penninah. She was constantly triggered by watching her children run around play. She was so disappointed that God had closed her womb. Year after year, the whole family would go to the House of God to make sacrifices, but Hannah would not eat and would weep instead. At one moment, Eli the priest was sitting on the seat by the doorpost of the Tabernacle of the Lord, and he hears a woman crying out in anguish before the Lord. It was Hannah, weeping bitterly in prayer. As she continued praying, Eli watched her mouth move, but heard no words come out. Hannah was so deep in prayer that her heart started to speak for her, instead of her mouth. Eli misunderstood this, and thought she was drunk. When he confronts her, Hannah tells him her situation; she was full of sorrow due to her situation. She explains how her brokenness prompted her to pour out everything before the Lord. Eli then blesses her, and encourages her in the Lord. Eventually, Hannah has a son named Samuel, who goes on to become one of Israel’s greatest heroes.

While my story doesn’t end with my parents getting back together, what resonated with me was Hannah’s willingness to be real with God. She took her brokenness and made it a prayer. She didn’t try to hide the fact that she was devastated; it says she wept in anguish and poured her soul out. I remember being so afraid to be honest with God about what was happening to me. I was so scared to tell him I was disappointed. I didn’t think He could handle all my emotions. But hearing Hannah’s story gave me permission to come to God and be completely open with Him, just like she was. The minute I gave all my real feelings and emotions to the Lord, I sensed Him healing my heart. I realized that He always wanted to know my heart, my thoughts and my emotions. I just had to let Him in. We often think God can’t handle our disappointments, but it’s in those moments that He’s calling us to come closer, and take a seat on his lap. He reminds us that He is our Father. He can talk us through whatever we are dealing with. He loves to love us; especially in our pain. He is the best healer, counselor, friend and Father.

Prayer-

Lord, I pray that I will be more willing to invite you into my feelings, like Hannah did. I lay down my impossible situations, and difficult emotions at your feet. Help me to trust that you can handle my biggest disappointments, and that you are not scared away by them. Thank you for being my safe place. AMEN.

- Lizzie Morgan