Lemons on Friday: Trusting God Through My Greatest Heartbreakಮಾದರಿ

Where Is God?

When fundamental parts of our lives are lost, when people and things we thought we’d never lose are suddenly gone, it’s natural to want answers. Why did this happen? Who’s to blame? What could I have done differently? And for many of us in the aftermath of traumatic change, we also want to know, Where is God? Wherever we are in our faith—secure, skeptical, or somewhere in between—suffering has a way of pulling us out of our comfort zones with God and forcing us to face how real and how reliable we believe he is in our day-to-day lives.

In my mind I know God is good and that he promises always, in every moment, to be with me. But when my vision seemed clouded with pain and questions, my eyes had a hard time seeing what my mind said was true. Even when you have a strong desire to find God and feel God, grief is a complete attack on your mental and physical faculties. If you’re honest with yourself, you may not feel ready to go to Scripture, to sing or pray or do anything active to pursue God. There is still hope. He is still with you, and you can still find him in places far outside the spiritual box. We can deny it, but we all desperately need to know God and we desperately need his comfort.

Even though I knew without a shadow of a doubt that Ben had been saved, I longed for assurances that he was home—confidence that he was peaceful, perfect, and so overwhelmed with the joy of Jesus that he wouldn’t come back here even if he had the option. Sometimes the most honest way to seek God is by coming to him bluntly and telling him exactly what your broken heart needs. And in some way, God will meet that need, just as He did time and time again for me. 

For months our family prayed for and experienced what we have come to call God nods—quick, intimate, divine glimpses of God’s care for us and his presence in our pain. Little moments in which the Lord provides reassurance or joy or peace despite the rawness of grief. Some of them came through books or songs or scenes in nature and some through dreams. God nods may sound like naive, wishful thinking to some who haven’t experienced them, but in seasons of desperation for signs of God’s goodness, they sustained me. With them came a literal sense of stillness and relief that I know can only come from the Holy Spirit.

Much of my hope in those early days came from our God nods. They started showing up all over the place once I kept my eyes open for God’s little encouragements. When you’re brave enough to ask, God is big enough to show up. We may not get the expected outcome of what we ask, but we will always find the comfort of his presence in the process of asking and opening our eyes. If you experience these things and, in turn, feel peace and assurance that you can’t explain, I urge you not to question or dismiss them as silly. Thank your ever-present, good Father for them, and rest.

Respond

Describe what you know to be true about God or his character. How do your feelings during painful experiences lead you toward questioning or confirming those truths?

In what ways have you felt God’s presence when you are struggling to make sense of suffering? 

How can you approach God honestly when you need reassurance from him?

Prayer

Lord Jesus, thank you that you promise to walk beside me when I am suffering. Thank you that even when I am full of questions and sometimes doubt that you are present, you are there. Help me to keep my eyes open to see your reassurances, whether they come from your Word, God nods, dreams, or the majesty of your creation. I chose to trust you today, and I thank you for loving me in all circumstances. Amen.