Battle-Weary Parents for Parenting in Crisisಮಾದರಿ

DAY SEVEN: It IS About You

I woke up this morning still in the midst of tribulation with one of our daughters. The struggles she’s facing are so real, scary and heartbreaking that it feels nearly impossible to overcome them. I sat at my desk with my Bible open, looking. I was looking to build up my own faith, looking for answers for her, and desperately looking for something from God to take away the feelings of fear and uncertainty both of us are experiencing. First, I focused on building up my understanding of love. Then, I moved on to scriptures on innate worth. Finally, I tried to study trial and tribulation. As I dug through the Word for answers, lots of things were comforting, but nothing was the “it” that I felt like I should find. After a while, honestly, I was frustrated. 

Finally, I stopped looking, closed my eyes and envisioned myself walking with Jesus and telling Him that I’m frustrated with the situation and anxious because I can’t seem to find the answers. In that quiet moment with my eyes closed, I had a conversation with Him—not about what’s written in the Bible but about what was hurting in my heart. Jesus softly and gently moved me from a focus on finding the answer to a place of being open and vulnerable about my feelings. My feelings. You see, I’m not a feeling girl. I’m a facts and faith girl. I have feelings but I don’t like feelings, and I certainly don’t often talk about them to other people. It’s both a great strength and a crippling weakness for me. For Jesus to ask me to talk honestly about my feelings felt like an ultimate weakness to me. What good are feelings? It’s faith that’s going to move this mountain. Let’s focus on the one that needs help—my daughter—not me. So, I opened my eyes and picked up a different Bible and decided to keep looking for the answer. The problem all morning has obviously been that I’m reading the wrong version. After flipping through a few Psalms, I closed the Bible in frustration. Finally, I decided to quit running. Sometimes I’m just a little stubborn. 

As I pulled out my notebook and picked up a pen I was certain this was a total waste of time. Okay, Jesus. You want to talk about my feelings? Fine. Here’s what I wrote, 

“I’m scared that the worst will happen. I’m unsure that things are going to get better and the uncertainty is causing me to feel anxious and worried. I don’t like those feelings. I feel alone, like I don’t really have anyone to talk to who can understand. I’m overwhelmed because it feels like more than I can bear. Honestly, I’m angry. This isn’t fair for all of us. It’s not fair that she’s suffering and in pain. Focusing on how I feel is making me feel selfish because this isn’t about me and focusing on me feels like a waste of time. That’s frustrating to me. I am really hopeful because I do believe that God’s word is true, but I’m discouraged because nothing seems to be working or helping. I’m fearful that I’m going to say or do the wrong thing and cause more hurt and pain.” 

I put down the pen and paper and stared at the words on the page. God spoke softly to my heart and said, “There’s a big difference between how you feel and what you know. By ignoring your feelings and focusing only on the facts/faith you are short-circuiting the healing that I need to do in your heart as you go through this trial.” Ok, I get it. Now that we’ve gone through this little exercise, can we go back to some answers? 

You’re probably much smarter than I and have already figured out that Jesus wasn’t done. The next thing He prompted me to do was to text my daughter and vulnerably tell her that I’m struggling too. WHAT?!?!?! She is going through enough on her own without me adding in my feelings too! I’m her MOTHER. I’m supposed to be the strong one who builds up her faith and speaks life into the situation. I can’t crumble now. I just can’t. I blankly stared at my phone for a long time. A very long time. 

Finally, I typed out everything that I had written on paper into a text and told her that I needed to be vulnerable with her. She responded almost immediately and her response brought me to my knees in a puddle of tears—the ugly cry kind. Here are a few snippets of her message to me, “Your honesty and vulnerability… it’s an honor to hear you say those things. I want us to grow closer during this time, even though it’s messy. Don’t feel alone, don’t feel discouraged, don’t get frustrated. Trust Jesus and know that you and dad are going above and beyond, even though it may not feel like it. We WILL come out of this triumphant and victorious because He loves us. Because He died for this, for us. He’s for us, not against us. And when He’s for us, no attack of the enemy can succeed.” I’d searched all morning for a scripture to calm my fears, but no greater comfort could be found than to lay my heart open before both my Jesus and my hurting daughter and have her return to me with the Word of God and her own confession of faith. 

To say this is a breakthrough for me is an understatement. You see, I didn’t feel like I was the one that needed healing. I have been asking for healing for my daughter, for all of my daughters, on a daily basis. I’m fine. I’ve got this. But truly, I don’t and, to be totally honest, my pretending that I do is doing more harm than good for my entire family and me. I confessed and repented because I had it totally wrong. This life of Christ, this life of parenting, this thing we call family—it IS about me. It’s about me allowing those I love to comfort me. It’s about me getting in the mess and sharing in the sufferings—not solving them, feeling them. Weeping. Fearing. Feeling. If I’m truly following Christ’s example and the example of Paul in today’s scripture, I’m in the mess and am therefore also messy— unashamedly and without having any answer aside from Jesus.

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I encourage you to spend time with your spouse (or a trusted friend if you're single) to answer the following questions.  

Discussion Questions – DAY SEVEN: It IS About You

1. What does vulnerability mean to you? Do you find it easy or difficult to admit your weaknesses and fears? 

2. Read 2 Corinthians 4:7-10. Talk about why your weakness allows God’s glorious power to shine? What does it mean for you to “get knocked down, but get up again and keep going?”

3. Talk about Pam’s interaction with her daughter. How do you feel about her vulnerability? How do you feel about her daughter’s response?

4. Are there things that you can say to your child that might help them to gain a new perspective on family and relationships that also requires you to be vulnerable? Share your plan with the group and allow them to give you honest feedback on your motive and tone. Be careful to not be vengeful in a “see how you make me feel” way.