Healthy Practices Of Ministry CouplesSample

Speak From Love
By Brian and Jenni Clayville of Paseo Church

When you feel hurt or disconnected from your spouse, do you shut down? Or do you create a conflict in the situation? Most people fall into one of these two camps.

Men, God calls you and me (Brian) to love our wives as He loves us. This means we must sacrifice our pride. No matter how right we think we are, we need to embrace the person that we committed our life to and seek to understand her. We need to show her love in the ways we know she experiences love. This will soften her heart and open the channels of communication. It will take time and much effort but this is our duty.

The first way to improve communication during difficult times is to learn how to truly hear what is being said. Most of the time when we aren’t communicating well, one or both of us is hearing something very different than what is being said. Consider clarifying by saying, “what I hear you saying is…” and then allow her time to clarify to ensure you are both on the same page (or at least in the same book). Sometimes, all she wants is to know you HEARD her.

If communication continues to be difficult, call a “timeout” before responding. I like to take a moment to reflect on why I (Jenni) love my husband. Remember the good things from our times together. Before responding, remind yourself that your spouse is not your enemy. Speak with the understanding that you have each others best interest in mind. If you get to the point of feeling you need to “win” the disagreement, check yourself. If you’re the winner, it means your spouse lost. And since you are one in God’s eyes, that means the marriage didn’t win.

Create a new practice. Take a moment each day to say something to your spouse that you are thankful for in them. Be specific. This will help ease tensions and take your focus off of the things that might be bothering you. Once new communication habits are formed, it will be much easier to discuss the more challenging topics. Most importantly... always speak from love.

1. Is it hard for you to speak kind or loving words to your spouse? Why or why not?

2. Take a minute right now and tell your spouse why you are thankful for him/her.