The New Loneliness: Nurturing Connection When You Feel Isolatedნიმუში

Day 6: The Loneliness of Friendship Struggles: Bearing with Different Personalities

Challenges come with any relationship. We are all different in some ways and the same in others. We can’t only be around people who are similar to us so that we don’t have to worry about messing up around them. There are enough tiny details that make every one of us unique that we’re bound to mess up somewhere. But that’s where love and grace come in. We grow every time we extend and receive grace from someone else if we see it as part of God’s refining process in us.

The Battle We're In

When we experience conflict with another person, we tend to think we’re battling each other. But Scripture tells us there’s a bigger battle going on in the spiritual realm—a war that wants to destroy our unity with other believers (Ephesians 6:10-12). Here are three factors I believe work against us and our desire for harmonious friendships:

1. We are all wounded (by the fact that sin exists in this world), and we each have areas of our lives we have not yet surrendered to God for healing and restoration.
2. We are still selfish by nature and prone to mess up when we are not fully surrendered to the Holy Spirit’s control. Surrender to God’s Spirit is how we exhibit the fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).
3. We have an enemy who aims to divide and destroy the relationships we have with other believers so we will not experience the unity and accord that Jesus intended for those He saves.

Each one of those factors can cause a relationship problem. Whether one, two, or all three are at play, the results can be disastrous were it not for the grace and forgiveness that God commands us to extend toward one another.

Preserve the Unity

The Bible gives us excellent advice for navigating friendships. In Philippians 2:2-3, Paul wrote that the Philippian believers could make his joy complete by being of the same mind with one another, maintaining the same love, being united in spirit, and remaining intent on one purpose. What great instruction that is for keeping and preserving our friendships because it’s a rock-solid recipe for true unity in the body of Christ. Here’s a breakdown of what that looks like in a friendship:

1. Be of the same mind.

When you have a friend in Christ who also wants to grow spiritually, you can filter every misunderstanding or relationship difficulty through the grid of one goal: becoming more like Jesus. Letting your friend know when God is refining you can help strengthen the relationship and encourage them to be vulnerable with you in the same way. When you each surrender your situation to God and recognize His refining work in you, you can grow through whatever happens.

2. Maintain the same love.

Jesus’ love for us was sacrificial. When you and your friend “maintain the same love” that God has for you, you are both attempting to love each other sacrificially with understanding and grace.

3. Be united in spirit.

This means to be in the same place, on the same page, under the Spirit’s control, with other believers. It means to be praying to the same end, and to be surrendered, moment by moment, to the Holy Spirit’s leading so you are hearing the same instruction.

4. Remain intent on one purpose.

What is your purpose as a child of God? To love God and enjoy Him forever. And to love others as He has loved you. It’s amazing how your friendships can come down to this one purpose too. Many times, we become friends with someone because we have something in common with them—an exercise class, a Bible study, working in the same place together, having kids who are the same age, being married the same amount of time, single the same amount of time, from the same cultural background, and so on. Commonality starts friendships. Unity keeps them. Being intent on one purpose preserves them. The unchanging Spirit of God cements strong ties among friends in Christ. Seek a friend who is intent on the same purpose as you (growing closer to Jesus) and you will find a friend who “loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17).

Read Philippians 2:2-3 and pray it for your relationship with a specific friend or family member.