How to Affair-Proof Our Relationships

Sex is inescapable. It’s used to grab our attention for pretty much anything – as a society, it almost submerges us. And it’s what the seventh commandment is all about – ‘You shall not commit adultery’.

Marriage is an intricate web of giving and sharing between a man and a woman, and with the act of adultery all these bonds are severed. Adultery smashes the deepest and most intimate levels of trust, destroys covenant promises, and breaks down the walls of privacy and exclusivity that protect the heart of marriage.

Jesus was directly confronted with adultery in one of the most powerful encounters in the gospels. Religious leaders dragged before him a woman caught in the act (John 8:3-11). They wanted to trap Jesus. Would he endorse the religious death penalty for adultery, breaking the Roman rule that only they could pass that sentence? Or would he let her off, going against the Jewish law? So they asked Jesus whether she should be stoned. He said, ‘The sinless one among you, you throw the first stone.’ They all slipped away, leaving the woman alone. Jesus spoke to her. ‘Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?’

‘No one, sir.’

‘Neither do I,’ said Jesus. ‘Go on your way. Don’t sin anymore.’

Jesus shows mercy to the woman. He offers her, in effect, a new start, balanced with a requirement that she turn from her sin. I believe that he offers the same to anyone in sexual sin today – mercy through grace, matched with a call for repentance and a changed life.

Love is built on the foundation of mutual respect. I hate seeing people being rude to their partners in public – interrupting them, ignoring them, contradicting them, or putting them down. As husbands, we shouldn’t criticise our wife’s judgment – look who she married! Respect is vital. The alternative is contempt and, frankly, where there is contempt there’s danger.

One of the ways you can help keep your marriage healthy is to take responsibility. This means fixing the problem, not fixing the blame. Couples having difficulties often spend much more time and energy attacking each other than the problems. Marriage is a covenant, a promise, and, at times, is about commitment and ‘stickability’ rather than feelings. Not very romantic perhaps, but ultimately a whole lot more satisfying.

I’m not suggesting that marriages will never run into problems or have to endure storms. But I believe that the kind of commitment God is talking about means that, when we hit a difficulty in our marriage, we make a decision to face it and carry on together. Trying times are not the times to stop trying. We need to treat the gift of our marriage with the highest respect and value.

The only way to resist the temptation of adultery is to root our single life or our marriage in the rich soil of God’s love. I encourage you to let go of any regrets about the past and experience God’s forgiveness and healing for previous poor choices. It is when we allow ourselves to be loved by Jesus that we are free to love like Jesus. Faithfully, unconditionally, purely and selflessly, not for what’s in it for ourselves but for what the other person’s worth.