Free to Thrive: How Your Hurt, Struggles & Deepest Longings Can Lead to a Fulfilling LifeSample

The “Why” Behind Your Struggles

All of us get stuck in unwanted behaviors – any thought, belief, or action you’ve tried to stop but can’t. Loneliness, anxiety, depression, shame, anger, and porn use are common examples.

While growing up as a child of an alcoholic father, I (Josh) developed a tendency to rescue others. Rescuing loved ones seemed to be one of the few ways I could gain the acceptance and love of my family.

I felt valued when I could help my mom with chores around the house, knowing that my dad was often too drunk or too disengaged to help her. I felt like I belonged when I became the man of the house and my mom looked to me for emotional support instead of my dad. I felt like I had purpose when I could protect my sister and comfort her emotionally. 

This rescuing behavior continued into my adult life, leaving me feeling like all of the problems in the world were mine to solve. I had a thriving ministry, with my team and I reaching millions globally. But I was overcommitted, exhausted, and compulsively rescuing others from their problems.

Eventually, I called one of my close friends (and the best psychologist I knew), Dr. Henry Cloud. As we began meeting each week in his counseling office, I found understanding and healing. I learned that this unhealthy pattern wasn’t random; that it was driven by my longing to be loved and accepted. 

I began to experience God’s healing as I learned new ways to find the fulfillment of those needs through Him and others.

Our unwanted behaviors aren’t random, they’re signals to be answered. They’re signals that we have deeper longings we are attempting to fulfill. We see this throughout the entire Bible.

In Genesis 3, after sinning against God, Adam was naked and afraid so he hid.

In 1 Samuel 21-24, David had unmet longings for safety, leading to his anxiety when Saul was seeking to kill him.

In Job 3, Job had unmet longings after losing his family, health, and wealth. He felt so depressed, he wished he had never been born.

Perhaps you:  

• Get anxious when you fear for your safety or worry about your future.  
• Watch porn to find pseudo-acceptance or love when you feel rejected or inadequate.  
• Perform for the approval of others when you feel unwanted or unknown.

Your unmet longings lead to unwanted behaviors. In your unwanted behaviors, you are attempting to fulfill your deepest, God-given longings. Yet, these longings will only result in the thriving life that you were created to experience when fulfilled in healthy ways.

Take a minute and confess to God the ways you have sought fulfillment outside of His design. Experience his forgiveness. Surrender to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to strengthen you.

1. What unwanted behaviors do you struggle with?

2. What unmet longings lead you to unwanted behaviors?

3. Think about the greatest unmet longing you currently experience. What is one way you can experience this fulfillment through God and other people today?